The Let's Get Friendly Affair
by: RAC
Rated NC-17
E-MAIL ADDRESS: RAC_fic@yahoo.com
RATING: NC-17: smoochies, and lots of cussing
PAIRING: IK/NS
DISCLAIMER: It all belongs to whoever the heck owns Man From Uncle now. And that's not me.
SUMMARY: Illya has to woo someone to get information out of him. Can Napoleon just sit back and watch?
FEEDBACK: Absolutely.
NOTES: Come visit all my stories at: http://www.dwordslist.net/rariindex.html
THANKS: To Morr, my partner in crime! And thanks to Deb, Dinah and Lee the T for their expert editing skills and to Dword for keeping all my stories safe. And thanks to the folks at Channel W for their liquor assistance.
The Let's Get Friendly Affair: Part 1
Illya and Napoleon eyed their mark. They'd been watching him for an hour, trying to determine the best way to approach him.
"He is a lover of men, Napoleon."
Napoleon flashed him a look. "How do you know that?"
Illya rolled his eyes. "I know."
Napoleon guessed that if anyone would know, it would be Illya, as he was cut from the same cloth.
"I will seduce him and get the password." Illya's voice was definite.
Napoleon looked at the mark again. He was a handsome man. Napoleon guessed him to be a few inches over six feet tall, with short, curly light brown hair. He looked like a quarterback. Actually, he had been a quarterback in college. Napoleon guessed that with that face he'd worked his way through all the cheerleaders. Or maybe not, if Illya was right. Napoleon was surprised that their research department had missed this salient fact. He intended to have a stern talk to the department head when he got back to headquarters. "I could do it."
Illya let out a disgusted snort.
Napoleon made it right back at him. "I could. I've slept with men before." He waggled his eyebrows at his partner. "Does that surprise you?"
Illya sighed. "No, Napoleon. With your libido it wouldn't surprise me if you slept with a goat."
Napoleon slugged him on the arm.
Illya jerked his arm away. "Ow."
"Sissy boy."
Illya flashed his partner an annoyed look. "Fine, you want him, go get him." Illya gestured. "Go. I'll bet he doesn't even notice you."
"Partner, everyone notices me."
"He won't. You might have slept with men, but you don't know how to put out the right signals. You didn't even pick up on the fact that he was homosexual. We know better than to try to bed straight men. It is a dangerous occupation."
"I'll bet you five dollars I can do it."
"Make it ten." Illya pulled out a ten and laid it on the table. "Show me you have it." Napoleon made too many bets when he had too little cash.
Napoleon scowled and pulled out his wallet. He retrieved two fives and put them on the table with a dramatic flair. "Oh ye of little faith."
Illya leaned back into the booth. "I'll be right here. You have five minutes."
"Five minutes?"
"If you can't get his interest in five minutes, it means you're completely off his radar." Illya leaned forward and touched Napoleon's arm. "Are you sure you want to do this?"
Napoleon grinned, feeling victory in the air. "Why? Are you afraid I'll win the bet?"
Illya shook his head, a sly grin on his face. "No, I'm not sure your ego will recover. It could be fatal."
"Laugh it up, Comrade, laugh it up. I'll enjoy spending your money."
Illya indicated with a sweep of his hand that the playing field was all Napoleon's.
Napoleon straightened his tie, brushed back the loose lock of hair that was always hanging down his forehead, and stood. He took a last swallow of his drink. "Watch the master at work, boy."
Illya's eyes followed Napoleon as he headed for the bar. He was reasonably certain that Napoleon would lose the bet. He desperately wanted Napoleon to lose the bet. Not because of the money, or even because Napoleon would tease him incessantly if he won.
No, he wanted Napoleon to lose because Illya didn't want to watch him wooing a man, kissing a man, seducing a man into bed. Illya didn't mind Napoleon's dalliances with women. It never crossed his mind to be jealous. Napoleon was one thing, and he was another. But everything would be different if the lines of demarcation were blurred.
Napoleon's announcement that he had slept with men had taken Illya by surprise. He hadn't known, never would have guessed. Napoleon didn't put out signals that he was interested in men, or intrigued by them in a sexual way.
Illya glanced at their prey. Did Napoleon find him attractive? Is that why he had volunteered? Illya didn't like that thought, either. Napoleon was at the bar now. The mark was talking to two other men at the other end. He glanced up and looked at Napoleon. Illya's eyes flashed to Napoleon to see what he would do. Illya grinned. Napoleon was doing exactly what he expected, he was smiling, nodding his head, and acting available, something Illya had seen him do a thousand times when a pretty woman walked in the room. But he had heterosexual written all over him.
Napoleon may have slept with some men, but he didn't know how to relax and be openly available to a man. Illya could tell the situation was making him uncomfortable, even if Napoleon wasn't consciously aware of it, and he was putting out a bit too much macho energy.
Illya relaxed as he saw the mark's eyes move off Napoleon quickly and turn back to his friends. Illya had to give his friend credit. He knew the moment had passed and he didn't try to stay at the bar and force it.
Napoleon slid dispiritedly back into the booth. "Shit." He pointed a finger at Illya. "Don't even say it. You might not be any luckier than me."
Illya let out a scoffing noise. "It will take me ten seconds. I will make him want me, but will leave before he can make contact. Then tomorrow he will be searching for me, I will suddenly appear and he will be mine."
"Just like that."
Illya nodded. "Just like that."
Napoleon was afraid he was right. He hated it when the mark was a man. Why couldn't he have been a woman? "Why don't we just shoot him with a sleep dart, and drug him to get his password? It would serve him right."
"Because we cannot afford to have him get suspicious."
Napoleon sighed. "Why do people think they can create something like a new veridical and not expect to come up against government agencies or organizations like THRUSH?"
"He is a…" Illya wiggled his fingers around, trying to find the right word.
Napoleon helped out. "A snake? A shyster? An opportunist?"
Illya nodded. "Yes, thank you. He is an opportunist. He thinks he can create a new master truth drug and then sell it to the highest bidder."
"Well, once THRUSH realizes they can't break into his computer program either, they won't be happy. They don't like bidding wars any more than we do. But, rather than getting the information out of him the nice way like we plan to do, I'm sure they'll just kidnap him and force it out of him."
"It will take them at least another thirty-six hours to figure out they cannot break into his data…"
Napoleon interrupted him. "Why will it take them so long? You already figured it out."
"Because I'm better than anyone they have." He glanced at Napoleon. "May I finish?"
Napoleon rolled his eyes. "By all means."
"As I was saying, it will still take them some time. And by then I will know what his password is."
Napoleon grinned. Illya's often pragmatic approach to right and wrong amused him. "So, then they can have him?"
"Then they can have him." Illya dismissed the man with a contemptuous gesture.
"Of course, THRUSH will try to make the veridical too."
"It won't matter, because we will make it first, and know how to fight against it. It will make it useless to them."
Napoleon chewed the inside of his cheek. "I still think we should just kidnap him."
"Why are you being so difficult?" Illya considered his partner. "You just don't want to lose the bet." He leaned forward. "These were our orders - get the information without him being any the wiser. This is the best way. People tend to be most indiscreet when they have sex on their mind."
Napoleon barely kept a grimace off his face.
Apparently not successfully. Illya grinned and stood up. "I'll meet you upstairs in the hotel room in fifteen minutes." He tapped the bills on the table. "Bring my money."
"It's not yours yet."
"It will be." Illya knew men found him attractive. It was an easy playing field to him. Men were simple, as opposed to women, whom Illya found largely incomprehensible.
Napoleon gestured with bad grace for Illya to get going. Then he slouched back in the booth to watch. It was important to the mission that Illya be successful, but Napoleon didn't want him to be. Usually when Illya took on these sorts of assignments, he did it on his own. But seeing as he was here, Napoleon knew he would be expected to do surveillance. Napoleon wasn't sure he wanted to watch Illya seduce someone, or listen to their love talk.
Napoleon never gave it a thought when Illya was listening in while he wooed a woman. In fact, it sort of turned him on that Illya was a silent witness. He suddenly wondered if Illya minded. Napoleon sighed and then started paying attention. Illya had arrived at the bar, standing in the same spot Napoleon had just vacated. Napoleon knew Illya had done that on purpose to prove a point.
Napoleon started counting. One second. The mark looked up. Two seconds. His eyes found Illya. Three seconds. Napoleon glanced at Illya. He was looking down at the bar, his fingers playing with a napkin. Four seconds. Napoleon glanced at the mark. He was still looking at Illya. Five seconds. Napoleon looked at Illya. His head lifted, his eyes connected with the mark.
Six seconds. Napoleon looked at the mark. He was smiling. Seven seconds. Napoleon looked at Illya. He saw a flash of a smile, and then the eyes were back on the bar, his fingers back with the napkin. Eight seconds. The mark was standing up. Nine seconds. Napoleon looked for Illya. He was gone. Napoleon saw him walking out the door. Ten seconds. The mark followed him out.
Napoleon cursed. It was going to be a long week. He picked up the bills with his thumb and forefinger and held them in front of him as if they were dipped in poison. Then he made his way back to their hotel room.
Illya met him at the door with his hand out. Napoleon slapped the bills in his palm. Before Illya could rub it in, Napoleon forestalled him with a question. "What did you do that I didn't do? I don't get it." He really wanted to know.
Illya closed the door and sat on his bed. "It is the way you hold your body, the way you look at a man. It just marks you as straight."
"So, show me. Show me how you look at a man. Show me what you do with your body." Napoleon sat on his bed, across from Illya.
"Napoleon." Illya sighed, shifting restlessly, his forehead creased with a frown.
"No, I mean it. I might have to play this role for real some time, and I need to understand what I did wrong."
Illya let out a breath. "It is a state of mind, Napoleon. You do it naturally for women, because that is what your body understands. You instinctively know how to stand, and how to gesture to communicate to them that you are the man, and she is the woman."
"And that's the wrong signal for a man?"
Illya nodded. "It is like yin and yang. You are familiar with that?"
"The circle with the light and dark squiggly thing."
Illya let out an exaggerated patient breath. "It is a symbol that represents opposites and how they complement each other. Man/woman, masculine/feminine, light/dark, earth/sky. When you are with a woman you create that polarity without even thinking about it. You are yang, and the woman is yin. You fit."
"But…"
"But with two men, it is more complicated. You are both yang, and both yin. You need to know how to communicate both messages. Tonight, all you were communicating was yang."
"So what did you do? You weren't acting all yinny…oh." Napoleon snapped his fingers. "The coy thing you were doing. The looking and the looking away thing."
"That's part of it. But you need to be able to read a man. Some men want a lot of yin in their sex partners. Some men don't. It's a balancing act. Men can tell quickly if they will mesh with another man as a sexual partner."
Napoleon kept his voice casual. "And do you think you will mesh?"
Illya shrugged. "It doesn't matter, does it?"
Napoleon wasn't sure what to do with that answer. He pressed on. "Tell me more. How did you know what this guy would want? What's his name again?"
"Roger, Roger Appleton."
"Right. So, how did you know what Appleton would want?"
"Because I am very good at being whatever a man wants. Just like you are very good at being whatever a woman wants."
Napoleon was intrigued. The idea that Illya could be whatever a man wanted was…he wasn't sure what it was, but he wanted to see it. "So show me."
"Show you what?"
Napoleon made a vague gesture in the air. "Show me how you'd be what I'd want."
Illya let out an exasperated noise. "I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because you don't want a man, despite your assertions of your sexual activities."
Napoleon waved that off. "Look, just pretend I'm a heterosexual that you absolutely have to seduce. How would you approach me?"
"I can't believe we're even talking about this."
"Consider it Techniques in Homosexual Seduction 101. Show me."
Illya considered his partner for a moment. He wondered if he could do it; it was an interesting challenge. He stood. "Go stand on the patio."
Napoleon gave him a look. "Why do you want me to do that?"
"You'll be in the shadows and I won't be able to see your face very well. If I can see your face it will just make me laugh."
Napoleon pointed at his face. "There is nothing laughable about this work of art."
Illya tried to suppress the laugh but he couldn't. "That is exactly what I mean. You will make some silly expression and it will distract me." He waved his hand. "If you want me to do this, go. And then be quiet for a while."
Napoleon stood, sighing dramatically, and moved to the patio. He leaned against the outer rail, one foot crossed over the other, hands in his pocket. He glanced down at the resort where they and their mark were staying, and then focused in on the beach, noticing the lovers walking hand in hand, the cozy bonfires. A pang of yearning passed through him for someone to love. To really love.
He glanced back at Illya, only to find Illya staring at him. It startled him for some reason. "What are you doing?"
"I'm just looking at you. Pay no attention."
That was easier said than done. When Illya paid attention to something, he was intense about it. Napoleon felt a bit like a specimen under glass. He looked back down at the beach.
Illya knew this was stupid. He knew it was dangerous to even flirt with these feelings. They needed to be kept under lock and key where even he couldn't find them. But instead, he was standing there, letting his eyes roam over Napoleon, looking at him as someone desirable, someone to lie next to, under or on top of, imagining how it might feel. All for the sake of a demonstration. Illya hoped he could lock it safely back up.
Napoleon was certainly easy to look at. He was handsome, and debonair but with a rakish charm that tugged on Illya's heart. Just like that lock of hair that wouldn't stay in place tugged on his heart. Illya sometimes needed to sit on his hands to keep from brushing it back.
Illya tried to imagine the type of man Napoleon might be attracted to. Tried to imagine what the men he'd slept with were like. Illya scowled. He didn't want to think about that.
Then he realized he was trying too hard. He shook out his body and closed his eyes. He never had to consciously think about being what a man wanted. It had been a mistake to put Napoleon in the shadows; he needed to see him. "Napoleon, come back in the room."
Napoleon pushed off from the railing and obeyed.
Illya put out a hand to stop him as he entered. "Stand there."
Napoleon stopped. If he had thought Illya was staring at him before, he had been greatly mistaken. Now it felt like he was basking in the rays of the sun. He could feel Illya working off of him and he stared, mesmerized, as Illya changed in front of his eyes.
Illya could feel himself adjust to Napoleon. He wasn't sure he could identify everything he was doing, but he shifted his posture a bit, and held his head a little differently. Maybe it was the way he was standing now, or the way his hand lay in his pocket. Maybe it was the way his lips were barely parted, he wasn't sure. But he could suddenly feel the connection.
Napoleon felt it too. Right in his groin. Illya's hair was so blonde, and looked so soft, his eyes were so blue, and his bottom lip so full. And the way he was standing, he looked so…so damn sexy. Napoleon lifted startled eyes to his partner. "Jesus, you are good." It was all he could do not to take a step closer.
And then suddenly he was just Illya. "I should have bet you another ten." He turned. "I am going to take a shower."
Napoleon nodded, and as soon as Illya shut the bathroom door he reached down and adjusted himself. "Jesus." That had been a bit more of an education than he had counted on. It was going to be one hell of a long week.
Illya got the door shut and leaned against the counter. He had wanted Napoleon. Really wanted him. He cupped his balls in his hand. He still wanted him. He turned and twisted the faucet, splashing some cold water on his face. It all needed to go back under lock and key. He had to be what Roger wanted him to be tomorrow, and the last thing he needed was to be feeling muddled about his partner. He leaned down and put his elbows on the counter, laying his face in his hands. "Stupid, stupid, stupid."
The Let's Be Friendly Affair: Part 2
They had breakfast in their room. Now that Appleton would be on the lookout for Illya, they couldn't afford to be seen together.
Illya put his cup of tea down. "I will need to get another room."
"Why?"
Illya gave him a look. "Do I really need to answer that?"
"No, I guess not." Napoleon didn't want Illya to get another room. He liked sharing a room with his partner. And he didn't like the idea of his partner sharing a room with someone else. Whatever magic Illya had done last night that had made him seem so desirable hadn't worn off.
Napoleon had hoped it would be gone when he woke up this morning, but instead, when he rolled over and opened his eyes, and seen his partner sleeping in the next bed, all he'd wanted to do was join him. He suppressed a sigh. "You all set for the big seduction scene?" Napoleon tried to sound enthusiastic.
Illya scowled.
The expression did a lot to cheer Napoleon up. "What's that face for? You seemed awfully gung ho last night. Afraid he won't be searching for you after all?"
Illya twisted his mouth in annoyance. "He will be looking for me. I'm good at this."
Napoleon knew that for a fact. "Is it the sex? Are you having second thoughts?" Please, he thought to himself, be having second thoughts. I can fish my sleep darts out of my suitcase.
Illya gave a tight shake of his head. "No. The sex is the easy part. It is the rest of it that is hard for me."
Not the answer Napoleon wanted. Then he rested curious eyes on his partner. "The rest of what?"
"Napoleon, this is not just about sex. I could have had him behind the hotel last night if I wanted to."
More information Napoleon didn't want. "Okay, so you're a regular Don Juan. Again I ask, the rest of what?"
"Most people use something significant to them as a password. In order to figure out what it is, I need to establish a relationship with him. I need to have him tell me about his life."
"And…?"
"That means I will need to talk to him, and be…be friendly."
Napoleon couldn't help the snort that escaped. "Friendly? Being friendly is the hard part for you?"
Illya glared at Napoleon. "I am not a friendly person by nature, Napoleon."
Napoleon managed to keep a laugh from sneaking out. He also tried to keep the sarcasm out of his voice. "Really? I never would have guessed that."
Illya was looking morosely at his leftover breakfast. "It is true."
Napoleon decided to try to defend his friend. "I've seen you be friendly to some people."
Illya shook his head. "I am hardly ever friendly, I am polite."
Napoleon thought about it for a minute and decided Illya was right. Illya always seemed to be nice enough, but it was good manners more than anything else. Illya's parents had raised him to be very polite, before they'd had the bad manners to get killed in the war and leave their only son to fend for himself. Napoleon firmly believed that it was all a sham because every now and then, Illya did something that let Napoleon see the compassionate heart Illya worked very hard at concealing. "You're friendly with me."
Illya glanced up at him. "I like you."
Those three words made Napoleon ridiculously proud. He grinned at Illya. "You like me?"
Illya looked at Napoleon as if he'd taken leave of his senses. "You know I like you."
"I guess I do. But it's nice to hear you say it. I'll show you what I mean. You ready?" He glanced up to see Illya's eyes riveted on his. "I like you too." When Illya involuntarily smiled, Napoleon grinned again. "See what I mean?"
"Thank you, Napoleon. I know I'm not always an easy person to like."
Napoleon was charmed when Illya actually blushed. He decided to have some mercy on his friend and get back to the topic at hand. "Can I help? I mean with the friendly part? Do you want me to make a list of topics to talk about, or help you practice?"
Illya reached across and picked up the last piece of Napoleon's uneaten toast. "No, but thank you. I am able to do this; it is only a role I must play. It is just not one of the ones I am more comfortable with."
"You'd rather be playing a taciturn German soldier, or a cranky Mexican bandito?"
Illya flicked a good-sized crumb at him. "Yes."
"Then you'd miss out on the sex."
Illya shrugged. "There is always sex to be found when you need it."
For the first time, Napoleon actually thought about Illya's sex life. He had known for as long as they had been partners that Illya was homosexual, even slightly before that, as it had been in his file. But he had never seen Illya on a date, and had never heard Illya, not even once, mention anyone's name as if he were important. Napoleon twisted his lips to one side and then the other as he considered his partner.
Illya frowned. "What are you looking at?"
"You."
The frown deepened. "Why?"
Napoleon didn't answer for a minute. He and Illya were together a lot, but Illya certainly spent a great many nights on his own, and many weekends as well. It was possible that Illya had multiple on-and-off partners, much as he did. It was entirely possible that Illya was in a long-term relationship with someone, and considered it no one's business, including Napoleon. He frowned at that idea.
"Now you are frowning at me."
"Hmm?" Napoleon snapped out of his reverie. "Sorry." He stretched out his legs. "I guess we better get you moved. We'll need some time to set up the sound equipment, and to get you wired." Napoleon stood and stretched again, this time letting his whole body get in the act.
Illya tried very hard not to notice. "We need to make sure Art is standing by at UNCLE so he can try the different possible passwords I come up with."
"I'll check in with him." Napoleon ran his tongue under his upper lip. "When will I see you? And what's our story if he sees us together?"
Illya gave it some thought. He knew he shouldn't do it but the words were coming out of his mouth before he could think better of them. "You will be another suitor. That will make him even more ardent in his pursuit of me."
Napoleon was unprepared for the voices and visions that started competing in his head. One voice wanted to start practicing the role right away. That was accompanied by a vision of a late night walk on the beach with Illya, turning to him, running his hands through that blonde hair, bringing those lips up to his. One voice told him to cool down and back off. Somehow the picture that went with the warning was still him and Illya on the beach, arms around each other, tongues down one another's throats.
Another voice wanted to throw a glove down in front of Appleton and challenge him to an immediate duel. Napoleon saw pictures of him and Mr. Quarterback lunging and parrying, rapiers at the ready. The last voice, the voice of the UNCLE agent, was the one that spoke. "He's already seen me. And rejected me. Why would he buy us being together?"
"Because you will be different when you are with me. You will be relaxed, and…and I will do what I did last night, and he will see the reaction in your eyes."
Napoleon had no doubt of that. A nun could have seen the reaction in his eyes, and his groin. This was going to be a very, very long week. He saw himself thrusting the point of his rapier into Appleton's heart. It made him feel much better. He wiggled his eyebrows at Illya. "Maybe he'll want me, then."
"If he wants you, Napoleon, you can have him. It will be much easier for you to be friendly to him." Illya got up and started packing his suitcase. "You will only need to act this part if he sees us together. If we are careful, it won't be necessary."
Napoleon pursed his lips and nodded. Inside his head, he fantasized about not being careful.
Illya didn't like the expression on Napoleon's face. It looked like trouble. "What are you scheming?"
Napoleon put his hand to his chest in an act of complete innocence. "Me?"
Illya rolled his eyes, and then dropped the subject. Whatever mischief Napoleon was up to, he had little hope of controlling it. Illya looked down at his attire, and at the clothes in his suitcase. "I need to buy some clothes."
Napoleon raised his eyebrows. "What? You don't think head-to-toe black is proper resort attire?"
Illya chose not to reply. He checked to make sure he had his wallet. "I will be back in a couple of hours. There were some shops at the other end of the resort. You can take care of things here while I'm gone."
Napoleon frowned. "I'd rather go shopping."
"I'd rather have you go shopping too."
"I could go shopping with you."
Illya shook his head. "There's too much of a chance that he'll see us together."
As much as he wanted to throw caution to the wind, Napoleon knew Illya was right. They couldn't afford to do anything that might dampen Appleton's enthusiasm. Napoleon sighed. A very, very, very long week. He gestured for Illya to go, and began to pull equipment out of the duffel.
While Illya was gone, Napoleon got the recording equipment set up and the wire ready to go, and reserved the adjoining suite. Although not thrilled with the idea that he might be lying in bed listening to Illya have sex with Appleton, the connecting door would make it easier for them to speak with each other without fear of being seen.
A couple of hours later, he heard a knock on the door, and moved to open it. Illya came in with a scowl on his face, a couple of shopping bags in one hand, and a garment bag in the other. "I do not know how you can enjoy shopping, Napoleon."
Napoleon took in all the purchases. "Looks like you did all right for yourself. You expecting this to take some time?"
"I can return whatever I don't use, but I needed to be prepared for whatever Roger wants to do."
The idea of that made Napoleon grumpy. "You never bring this much stuff when you and I go on vacation."
"You don't mind if I stick to black."
"How do you know? You never asked."
Illya let loose with an exasperated sigh. "Do you mind?" Then he waved his hand. "Never mind. I can't believe we're even having this conversation. If my wardrobe embarrasses you, you may leave me home next time." He rattled his bags at Napoleon. "I have to go get dressed. Where is my room?"
Napoleon walked across the room and threw open the door to the adjoining suite. "Ta dah."
Illya glanced at his partner. "That will be convenient."
"I thought so." He reached for Illya's garment bag. "Let me take that."
"I am perfectly capable of carrying it myself."
Napoleon gave Illya a smile that wasn't particularly sincere. "Ah, there's the friendly partner I've come to know and love."
Illya handed over the garment bag. "I'm sorry, Napoleon. I don't mean to take my bad mood out on you."
"Quite all right. I know how terrifying salesclerks can be."
Illya managed to keep his mouth shut. He followed Napoleon into the other room. "Give me a few minutes, and then you can wire me."
"Yes, I suppose it is time to go after your quarry." Napoleon tried to keep from sounding sullen as he handed the garment bag to Illya. He barely managed to not suggest using a sleep dart again. Several other things he could say crossed his mind, but all of them would get him in trouble. Napoleon decided to focus on business. "Well, you know where I'll be." He walked back to his room and closed the adjoining door.
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