"I've thought this over and over and I believe it's the right thing to do."
Buffy's body was tight with anger. "You're wrong."
They stayed there for a moment, Giles sitting, his body and face a combination of misery and determination. Buffy standing, angry and sullen. She turned, as if to storm out but before she moved very far there was a flash in the room. Buffy and Giles both put a hand up to shield their eyes from the light.
When the light resolved Giles' eyes grew wide and he stood. It was the Shaman. He was dressed in his dark robes, with nothing but his eyes showing. Turning to Giles he spoke. "Rupert Giles, you must come with me."
Buffy took a step towards him. "Excuse me, but you're interrupting." She was in no mood to even pretend to be polite. She gestured angrily at Giles. "He was in the middle of ripping my heart out and stomping on it and I don't think he was quite done."
Giles sent her an admonishing look. "Buffy."
Buffy had the grace to look somewhat ashamed at her outburst but she was so angry it didn't last long. "Well, who the hell is he, and why do you have to go with him?" She looked at the Shaman again, a longer look. "Hey, aren't you the guy who pretended to take Angel's…?"
Her question died off at Giles' nod. Giles turned to the Shaman. "What's the matter? This really isn't the best time. Can it wait?"
The Shaman shook his head. "No, we must speak now. Are you ready?"
Buffy darted forward, her hostility clear. "What do you mean is he ready? He's not going anywhere."
The Shaman sent a piercing glance her way. "I am sorry for your pain but the choice is not up to you." He glanced at Giles. "Rupert, are you ready?"
Giles nodded, and he took a deep breath. The Shaman lifted his hands and another flash of light appeared, momentarily blinding Buffy. When she could see again, the Shaman and Giles were both gone. "Shit." Buffy punched the wall. In her anger she didn't pull back on her strength and her fist went through the plasterboard. "Shit." She wrestled her arm out and went in search of answers.
***
Giles found himself walking next to the Shaman in a deep wood. The trees were dense and the ground was soft with fallen pine needles. Occasional rays of sunlight broke through the overhead canopy. Giles smiled and turned to the Shaman. "You brought me here?"
"It is your sanctuary, your secret garden."
Giles let out a soft humming sound of satisfaction. "Yes, it is. I love it here."
"You do not come here enough."
Giles' lips tightened. "No, I don't." He stopped walking for a minute. "Why have you brought me here?"
"Rupert, you have been in great distress. Even with your Slayer returned to you, you continue to be in pain."
The thought of Buffy broke another wave of sadness over Giles. "I'm leaving. I'm going back to England."
The Shaman pulled down his hood, revealing his face. "You have insufficient information with which to make this decision."
Giles looked momentarily annoyed. "How do you know that?"
The Shaman touched Giles' temple with a long nailed finger. "I know your thoughts, Rupert. You yourself allowed me access to them and you have never rescinded that invitation. Do you wish to do so now?"
Giles shook his head. "No. I apologize. You know how I value your assistance. I would be stark raving mad by now if it wasn't for you."
"You have suffered much these past few years Rupert. It has been my honor to assist you."
Giles looked at the Shaman, affection clear in his eyes. He spoke softly. "Why am I here?" His eyes darted back in the direction he thought they had come from. "I'm worried about Buffy."
"She is why you are here." The Shaman started to walk again and Giles moved to his side. "I know your heart, Rupert. I know you mean to do what's best." He looked around him. "Why have you not come here for your answers in this situation?"
Giles looked around as well. He took a deep breath, enjoying the rich smells assaulting his nose. "I don't know. I've been busy."
"Have you consulted with your spirit guides? With your other teachers?"
Giles let out a breath. "You know I haven't. You always know when I'm here."
"And yet, you think yourself prepared to make this decision. A decision that will affect you and your Slayer for the rest of this lifetime and beyond."
"I'm doing what I think I need to do."
"And what is driving this decision of yours? What emotion?"
Giles thought for a few minutes, walking in silence, occasionally kicking a pinecone away with his foot. Finally he spoke. "I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I make Buffy weak. I'm afraid that she will never be what she can be if I stay." He let out a sigh. "And I suppose to be honest that I'm also afraid of what I'll become if I stay. Someone who cleans up her messes, who bails her out of trouble, someone who will, in time, become a mockery of a Watcher."
The Shaman stopped. "So, it is fear that makes you choose to leave her."
Giles sighed. "I am afraid of so many things right now."
The Shaman let out his own sigh. "Humans. I will never understand why, in times of highest emotional distress, they rush into decisions, unprepared, turning away from that which might center them and aid them as they choose their path."
Giles leaned against a tree. "Message received. And deserved." He ran his hand down a branch, feeling the pine needles sharp against his palm. "Even after all this time, after studying with you for so many years, I still seem to get lost so easily sometimes."
"Rupert, on even the simplest paths it is easy to be swept away by the challenges life puts before us. You have chosen a most difficult path. Do not waste your time in regret, simply turn back to what you know to be true, to where you know your wisdom lies."
"Have I made the wrong decision then, about Buffy?"
"That is not for me to say. What I do know is that the spirits have come to me and they are disturbed. They see shadows in the future, shadows that are causing them unrest. They tell me that you, Rupert Giles, have the power to make or unmake this future."
Giles pushed off from the tree and moved closer to his teacher. "What must I do?"
"You must journey. It will not be an easy one. Are you willing to do this?"
"Of course."
The Shaman smiled. "Rupert, I believe in you. You must believe in yourself as well." He shifted his head, as if to sniff the air. "I can feel your Slayer's anger from here. She is searching for us, for me."
"How do you know that?"
"I can feel her through you. The bond between you is fragile, but it is enough for me to see her."
Giles didn't like the sound of that. "Our bond is fragile?" He'd always thought the link between him and Buffy to be strong.
The Shaman looked at him seriously. "It is a dangerous time for the two of you. Your bond has been tested too much of late and it grows tenuous." The Shaman raised his eyebrows. "She is full of so much anger."
Giles grew sad. "It seems to be all she can feel these days." He looked at the Shaman. "Will you let her find you?"
The Shaman nodded. "Yes, this concerns her as well. She also has much to learn." A kind smile appeared on his face. "Rupert, she is angry, but she is also full of love for you. The anger is easier for her, she thinks it protects her, she thinks it makes her stronger."
"I wish I knew what she needed. I wish I knew how to help her."
The Shaman rested his palm on Giles' chest. "You do. All your answers lie within. You must seek your answers there, always."
"Will you help her when she comes?"
"Your Slayer's answers lie within her as well. I can merely show her the way. It will be her choice, and yours, to heed what you find, and to trust what your heart tells you. Decisions made from anger and fear are often less than wise." He started walking again. "There are always lessons to be learned, no matter what decisions we make, but our lessons are often more painful when we choose unwisely."
Giles didn't respond. This place, his place, was working its magic. He could feel his body and his mind start to unwind. He felt safe here, loved. For the first time in days, his thoughts about Buffy seemed less laden with heavy, painful emotions. His plea for her was clear. He wanted to help; he wanted to make her path easier. And he realized that he truly had no idea how to do that. He looked up at the soft sound of the Shaman's laughter.
The Shaman smiled at Giles. "That is the place to start. Not knowing. It is there that you can most easily be taught." He listened acutely again, as if to a faraway sound.
Giles recognized the look this time. "Buffy?"
"She is sure you are in danger." He smiled again. "She is most determined."
"Yes, that's a good word for her."
"Rupert, she will have questions. She will want to know about our journey together. Do I have your leave to share with her as I see fit?"
Giles nodded. "I trust you, more than anyone, or anything. I trust that you will tell Buffy what she needs to hear, and I would not want to get in the way of that."
They came to the end of the woods and before them lay a field of wildflowers, a riotous panorama of color that quite took the breath away. The Shaman smiled. "I like your secret garden Rupert. You have made it a beautiful place."
"I like flowers." He gestured back to the woods. "And woods." He grinned back. "That's the fun of it, isn't it? That it can be anything you want?" He shook his head. "How can I forget to come here?"
"As long as you know that it is always here when you do remember."
Giles nodded. "Yes, I do know that." He saw some familiar figures in the distance and his heart grew full.
The Shaman saw them too. "Go, your guides await you." He touched Giles on the shoulder, lightly. "Take care, my friend. The spirits tell me that this will be difficult for you. Remember all I have taught you."
Giles slowly breathed through the tension the Shaman's words had evoked in him. "I will. And thank you. Again."
Squeezing his shoulder gently, the Shaman shook his head. "I do not require your thanks. Your friendship is sufficient."
Giles placed his hand over the one on his shoulder. "You shall always have that." He smiled. "And my thanks, whether you require it or not."
"Then I leave you to your journey. Blessings on you." As Giles watched, the Shaman slowly faded away. When he was gone, Giles turned and headed down to his next destination.
***
Buffy slammed the phone down. She let out a frustrated cry. "Angel doesn't know anything either. How can no one know anything?" She glared at Willow and Xander. "You were there. You saw him. Who the hell is he?"
Xander shrugged his shoulders. "You were there too, Buffy. All we saw was what you saw. We know he knew Giles. We know he's a good actor because he fooled the Mayor and Faith. We know Giles introduced him to his wife. We know he can be really cool and just disappear." He grimaced at the look on Buffy's face. "Sorry."
Willow closed the book she had been looking through. "I can't seem to find him in any of these books. Of course, I don't know his name or if he's a demon or anything." She sighed. She felt like she had so much to make up for to Buffy and she was annoyed that she was currently feeling so useless.
Buffy snapped her head up. "Magic. Willow can you do magic and help me find him?" She pointed to the training room. "He was in there. Can you sense him or something?"
Willow frowned. "Maybe."
Buffy grabbed Willow's arm and pulled her out of the chair. "Good enough. Let's go."
***
An hour later Willow was trying to mix together some herbs to cast a locating spell. Buffy was pacing, still angry enough that everyone else was just trying to stay out of her way. As Willow lifted her head up to check the ingredient list in the spell book, her eyes widened. Buffy spun around just in time to see the Shaman materialize right in front of her. She reached out to grab him but while he appeared solid, he was insubstantial to her touch and her hand went right through him.
"What the hell are you and where is Giles?"
"Rupert is safe for the moment. He is preparing himself."
"Preparing himself for what?"
"For the journey he must make."
"He is so not making a journey. Give him back. I want him back here, now." Buffy's tone was dark and hostile.
The Shaman smiled softly at her. "It is not your place to choose his journeys for him. He must do what is right for him, what his heart is calling for him to do. As must you."
"Yeah, well, my heart hasn't been speaking very loudly these past few days."
"In that you are wrong. Your heart is screaming. It is crying for its path."
"The only thing screaming here is me, and I want my Watcher back."
"You may not interfere. The only path you can choose right now is yours. I would assist you in that if you would let me."
"Excuse me? You kidnap my Watcher and now I'm supposed to trust you? Are you on drugs?"
"Slayer. You are in pain. Do you choose to remain this way?"
"I didn't choose to be this way. It was chosen for me, oh, Mr. I Can Only Choose My Own Path. Someone chose this path for me with magic." The words were spit out bitterly. Xander and Willow both winced.
"Where you are now is simply what is in front of you. It has no meaning except what you make of it. It is your choice alone as to the lessons you will learn, and the direction you will now take. But understand that you are a being of great power, and the choices you make now will affect everyone around you as if you were a large stone being thrown in a small pond. The ripples will be strong and lasting."
Buffy let out a disgusted sound. "Great, another cryptic guy. Look, just take me to Giles."
"I cannot. He must be alone right now. But I can take you to where you will find him when he completes his journey."
Buffy was tired of this game. "Fine, whatever. It just better lead me to him."
The Shaman nodded and he raised his hands. Buffy felt a sensation of wind and a sense of things moving by her very quickly. Then the sensation stopped and she was standing in the middle of a courtyard with a fountain. It looked like a grotto, with a statue of a Madonna, or a goddess at its top. There were lotuses floating in the water. Buffy was drawn to it and she moved to sit on the edge. She trailed her fingers in the water, feeling an inexplicable moment of peace.
The Shaman watched her, not wanting to disturb this quiet moment. He could feel when the anger returned and he moved to sit next to her. She looked up at him, her eyes guarded, the moment's peace making her feel vulnerable and suspicious. "What is this place?"
"It is my home."
"I thought you said…"
He interrupted her. "Rupert Giles lived here for a while. He visits on occasion, when he is troubled and in need of direction."
"When is Giles in trouble? All he needs is a cup of tea and a book and he's fine."
"You do him a disservice. He has suffered much in your service."
Buffy snorted. "Yeah, right. He's suffered." Buffy stood and kicked a stone away. She looked at the Shaman, her eyes bright with unshed tears. "He's leaving me. He doesn't understand what I've been through, what I'm going through."
"Tell me. Tell me what he doesn't understand."
Buffy took a deep breath and the words just tumbled out of her. "How it feels to lose the right to choose the life you want, what it's like to live in fear, to know that killing is all you are, all you'll ever do. To slowly lose all the people you love, to know that this is the way it will be until you die. To know how it feels to kill someone you love more than life itself. And then to die, and go to heaven, and get ripped out of it and sent back to this hell to live in."
The Shaman moved next to Buffy and gently put a hand to her forehead. He closed his eyes and Buffy's head was suddenly filled with images. Images of Giles' life, his emotions superimposed on them. They raced by her; individual images flickering by so fast it was hard to differentiate one from the other. But the themes were clear. His own anger at his calling, the repercussions when he tried to steal his life back, his sense of defeat when he realized that there was no way out for him, that he was trapped in a life not of his choosing.
She felt his fear, mind-numbing amounts of fear that he felt every night waiting for her to return from patrol, every time he sent her out to kill. She could feel his fear in battle, him knowing that he had no super strength to protect him yet his love for her helping him find the courage to battle by her side. She saw him, night after night, long after she was at the Bronze, or giggling with her friends, researching, desperate to find that one piece of information that would keep her alive, keep them all alive, his battle never ending. She felt his weariness, his longing for a different life, a carefree one, coupled with the knowledge that it would never end, that he was as locked within his destiny as she was in hers.
She saw him at too many funerals. Too many to bear, his parents, other family members, friends, Randall, Jenny's, Joyce's and finally, her own. She saw the scene over and over, as if it played non-stop in Giles' head, her falling to her death, her falling to her death, and again, her falling to her death. Giles' heart shattering into a million pieces, at her loss and at his belief that he had killed her, finally sent her against an evil she couldn't escape from and live.
Then she saw him home in England. Spending time with friends, smiling gently at their jokes, despite his ongoing pain at her death. She felt a sense of stillness growing in him as each day took him farther away from the pain of being a Watcher, from living on the Hellmouth, from the daily wear and tear of facing death as a matter of course. Buffy watched him stutter his way through a chance meeting with a woman, him feeling charmed by her despite his inner reluctance to expose his heart to anyone. And then the phone call and the return to Sunnydale, to a Slayer angry and withdrawn, to a bewildering reenactment of a life he had thought done. And the growing concern that perhaps he was harming her by staying, and the acute pain associated with the thought of leaving her. She could see though, that he would stay, without a moment's pause, and pick that painful life back up again, if he thought it best for her.
Through it all, Buffy had seen, no she had felt through to her inner most being, that it had always been about her, his love for her, his longing to help her, his need to protect her. All of it, for her. And none of it begrudged. None of it.
The Shaman took his hand away and repeated himself. "He has suffered much for you. He does not deserve your anger."
Buffy crumpled to the ground, weeping. "How can he leave me? How do I make him stay? I can't do this without him. I can't." She knew this, as well, to her inner most being, that if he left, he took any hope of her heart returning to her away.
The Shaman crouched down next to her. "In this I will assist you. For I believe you are right, that he must not leave. His place is at your side. It always has been."
Buffy moved to sit up, her legs drawn up tight against her chest. She wiped the tears away, still hiccuping from her crying. "How can you help?"
"Rupert will soon undertake a journey that will speak of his future, of the future he creates if he returns to England. It will be difficult for him but I believe he has the strength to see it through and understand what he must do." He moved to sit at her side. "But you also must take a journey."
Buffy hiccupped again. "What for?"
"You must learn why you want him to stay."
"I already know why I want him to stay. I need him. I need his help."
"You are full of fear and anger. You are fearful of living without him, and yet you are angry when he gives you direction. You are angry that he is leaving you and yet you fear his staying. You are confused and wounded, and yet the decisions that lay ahead of you will impact those around you and most especially Rupert, if he chooses to stay. I would have you be clearer as you move forward." In response Buffy let out an exhausted breath. She rolled her shoulders, feeling the tension there. The Shaman stood. "Come, you need to rest. And my wife would like to meet you, the Slayer of Rupert Giles. She has heard much of you over the years."
Buffy shot to her feet. "The wife, your wife, the one he introduced you to?"
The Shaman nodded. "Yes, the very same." He took down his hood, and Buffy found him to be smiling at her.
She couldn't help but smile back. "So how did you guys meet anyway?"
"That is a story best told with a meal. My wife is an excellent cook. And I am an excellent eater. Which is why Rupert introduced us. But, I get ahead of myself. First, you must meet Lindsey."
Buffy smiled. "Your wife's name is Lindsey?"
"This is amusing?"
Buffy blushed. "No, I just look at you and I don't see a Lindsey somehow. Never mind." She gestured with her hand as if to direct him to lead the way. He nodded graciously at her and together they headed up to his home.
***
Giles let out a sigh of contentment. He was still in his field of wildflowers, four of his spirit guides with him. He was resting against the flanks of one of them. A water buffalo, his hide dark, his horns white and sharp. Giles had one side of his face resting on its flank, feeling it breathe, feeling its immense strength resting beneath him. By his side lay a tiger, belly up, in a very undignified pose. Giles laughed and rubbed his belly. "Even like this, you're a handsome fellow. But you know that, don't you?" The fur was thick and soft.
Bear was roaming, his snout turning over rocks and sticks, ever curious. Hare was sitting on her haunches. Her nose was quivering and her ears shifted constantly, listening, always listening. Her bright eyes rested on Giles. They didn't speak to him in words as such. Sometimes they did but usually they spoke to him in images, and emotions, and spurts of wisdom. And they loved him. They were a part of him. The Water Buffalo was his wisdom, Tiger his courage, Bear his enthusiasm and Hare was his vigilance.
When Giles had first started journeying and meeting his spirit guides he had been unsure what they were and where they existed. Despite his daily interaction with things supernatural it had been hard for him to believe that, while journeying, lying in his bed, or on the floor, that he was actually traveling someplace where he would meet with beings for guidance and instruction. He had decided that his secret garden was merely a visual construct created by his mind, filled with all the landscapes in the world that spoke to his soul. And the beings he met were simply internal parts of himself. Establishing a relationship with his wisdom, and his courage and the other noble parts of himself was a good and useful thing. It was a way to more easily access those parts, to really believe that those traits lay within him. At one time, when he had first come to the Shaman, he had lost touch with all of it and had thought these parts of himself to be forever gone.
Over time, he decided it didn't matter what they were or where they were. This place felt real to him, and they felt real to him, and they had never let him down. None of his guides or teachers ever had. He had never come here and not left renewed, stronger, clearer. And he was feeling that way now. It was here that he felt loved like nowhere else in his life. His body resonated with it, as if his atoms were vibrating with the emotion.
It was here that he came when he was hurting; it was here that he came when he was confused about Buffy. About what to say to her, how to help her, as a man, and as a friend. There were no answers here as to how to fight the latest evil the Hellmouth was spitting out. Instead he found the answers on how to fight his internal demons, his and Buffy's. And in doing so, they were both better prepared to fight against the physical ones.
Giles knew it would be time to go soon. He sighed. Bear came over and lowering his body to the ground he leaned against Giles. His weight immediately pushed Giles down and he found himself with a face full of Tiger fur. Tiger snarled, and with claws unsheathed he lashed out at Bear. Bear just snorted, unconcerned, and he lay down, easing his body down next to Giles'. Giles turned until he was on his back, his head still resting on Tiger's belly. Hare hopped onto Giles' stomach. He ran the fingers of one hand through Bear's fur. The other scratched Hare's ears. He spoke. "Are any of you able to come with me?"
Tiger purred underneath him. Giles saw an image of him walking with Tiger at his side. Giles smiled. "Thank you. I didn't really want to go on my own." He felt the love from all of them and he smiled again. "I know, you're always with me." He sat up. "Is there anything I need to know before I go?" Water Buffalo turned his head and breathed on Giles. Giles closed his eyes and listened with his heart.
***
As they walked into his house, Buffy brushed against the Shaman. She stopped. "Hey, you're real here."
He smiled. "I'm real wherever I am."
"No, I mean, I can touch you here. I couldn't touch you in the Magic Box."
"That was merely a projection I sent to retrieve you. I was waiting here for you when you arrived."
"To retrieve me, huh? I feel like a Springer Spaniel, or maybe like a duck." She stopped as a woman entered the room, a smile on her face. Buffy didn't know what she was expecting, but it wasn't this. This woman could have been her mom. Not the way she looked because Lindsey was dark, Indian dark, from India Indian. But the rest of it, the loving look in her eyes, her age, she just looked so normal. Buffy liked her immediately.
Lindsey moved to her and took her hands. She looked at her husband. "Is this she? Is this the girl Rupert's been telling us about for the last few years?"
Buffy nodded. "She is me. I mean, I'm the Slayer. Buffy."
Lindsey let out a sigh of satisfaction. "Buffy. You are as beautiful as he said you were. I cannot tell you how nice it is to finally meet you. I feel as if you've been a part of our family for ages."
"Giles said I was beautiful?"
Lindsey laughed at her expression. "He raves about you whenever he's here. Your beauty, your courage, your skills. I don't imagine he has anyone else he can really brag about you to."
Buffy smiled sadly. "I'm sure he doesn't only brag about me."
Lindsey laughed again. "No, you're right. He grouses about you too." Her smile grew a little pained. "And there are times when he is silent." She took Buffy's arm in hers. "But, we are always joyful when Rupert comes to visit. We both love him so."
Buffy allowed herself to be pulled into a stunning living room, with colorful and textured fabrics decorating the walls and ceilings. Buffy sat on a couch and looked at both the Shaman and his wife. "I didn't even know this place existed. I didn't even know he came here."
The Shaman nodded. "I believe there is much you do not know about Rupert."
Buffy pouted. "Well, it's not all my fault. He's not exactly share guy."
Lindsey touched her on the arm. "He would be, if you wanted him to be. He's not a secretive man by nature." She turned to her husband. "Sometimes we can't get him to shut up." She laughed and then sobered. "Although it doesn't happen very often, I'll grant you that. More often than not when he is here, he needs to heal."
Buffy's eyebrows furrowed. "Heal from what?" She flashed a look at the Shaman. "I mean, when has he come here, you know, not to visit but to heal?"
The Shaman spoke. "It is usually after I have gone to..." He smiled at Buffy, "…retrieve him, because his thoughts have been especially troubled and I have felt his pain. Even when things are darkest for him, he is generally worried about you and what you need and he forgets that he is just a man, and his needs must also be attended to."
"So, when have you …retrieved him?" Buffy braced herself for his answer.
"The first time was when Eyghon reappeared. That affected Rupert in ways you cannot know, and it was necessary that he come here for healing and instruction. I brought him here after Jenny Calendar died, and during that summer that you were gone. He chose to come here to work through his feelings and fears when Angel returned. When he was fired as your Watcher, after your eighteenth birthday he spent some time with us. There were a few other times as well. He was last here right after you died. That was a very difficult time for him."
Buffy felt sadness overwhelm her. The Shaman shook his head. "Your sorrow is unnecessary. Rupert has never felt that any of this was either your fault or your responsibility."
Buffy shook her head. "I know. He wouldn't. But, all those times, I didn't even wonder how he was. I mean, I felt bad for him, but I never called him or…"
The Shaman placed a hand on her shoulder. "All of these difficult times for him were difficult times for you as well. Rupert understood that you were in tremendous pain and it was never his expectation or desire that you take his burdens on top of your own." At the look on Buffy's face, he continued. "It was not your time to comfort him. That duty and honor belonged to us. Rejoice that he had access to the help he needed so he could continue to offer you the support you needed."
Buffy leaned back against her chair, sighing. "Rejoice, huh?" She looked at the Shaman. "So, how'd you guys meet anyway? And how come in the library that day you made it sound as if you never expected to see him again?" She spoke in dramatic tones. "My debt to you is now repaid, do not call on me again…" her tone lightened, "…or whatever it was you said."
"Rupert chose that script, not I. You will need to ask him why he requested those words."
A chime rang out and Lindsey stood. "That means that our dinner is ready and awaits us." She smiled at Buffy. "I hope you're hungry."
Buffy put a hand to her stomach. "You know what? I think I am." The three of them headed for the dining room. There were beautifully embroidered pillows on the floor, a banquet spread before them on a low table. Buffy's eyes widened. "All of this is just for us?"
Lindsey laughed. "My husband eats a lot. We'll be lucky to get a few scraps before he consumes it all." She sent a loving gaze his way as she spoke and he smiled back and assisted her down to her pillow.
After seeing that Buffy was seated, he took his own seat. He waited while Buffy and Lindsey served themselves before spooning food onto his own plate. While he waited he spoke. "I will answer your question as to how Rupert and I met, just as I have answered your questions about his coming here since he became your Watcher. But I must have you understand something." Buffy turned to him and waited. He spoke again. "Rupert has given me permission to speak of these things to you. I would not tell them to you otherwise. But I share them with you trusting that you will hold them close and consider them a confidence. You must understand that in telling you these things that I give you power that you can use to hurt Rupert if you so chose, and I would not wish for that to happen."
Buffy nodded. "I won't say anything."
The Shaman smiled. "It does not mean you cannot discuss these things with Rupert. He knows I am telling you. He is the one choosing to give you this knowledge, this piece of himself. Just make sure you use it wisely and with love."
"Gotcha." Buffy frowned as she realized that her answer didn't quite match the solemnity of the moment. She tried again. "I…I don't ever want to hurt him. I love him. I…" Buffy felt so inadequate to put what she was feeling into words.
The Shaman understood. "That is sufficient. To know that you will do your best, and that you understand that this is a gift." Buffy just nodded, her eyes full of his words, her longing to do right by Giles evident in her eyes. The Shaman nodded, satisfied.
The Shaman was silent for a few minutes as they began to eat. Everything tasted wonderful and Buffy cleaned her plate quickly and helped herself to some more. Lindsey grinned, pleased. While the Shaman was refilling his own plate he began. "You know that Rupert used to conjure demons?"
Buffy nodded. "Yeah, that was how all that trouble with Eyghon started."
"Eyghon was not the only demon he conjured. He'd been conjuring for quite some time before he tempted fate so sorely." He paused and then smiled. "He conjured me one day, quite by accident. I had sent out a projection to communicate with a student and Rupert's magic pulled me in." Buffy's eyes grew wide but she made a motion for him to continue. "We spoke, for some time. Even back then, despite his attempts to run from his destiny, Rupert was a very bright young man, with a quick wit, and an amusing, if somewhat sarcastic, view of the world."
"We often spoke after that, although without the necessity of Rupert conjuring me. He would issue a polite invitation with his magic and if I was free, I would come to him." His gaze grew pensive. "I worried about him. I could see that he was heading into treacherous waters, his desire for magic and power far outstripping his common sense. He was surrounded by acquaintances who delighted in his power and took every opportunity to coerce him into more dangerous schemes."
"If Rupert were an unscrupulous man, he'd have probably emerged from this experience unscathed, much as his friend Ethan did. But he is not. He is a good man, and a good man who exposes himself to evil, over time, begins to unravel. And unravel he did. By the time I got to him, when I realized he was in danger, he was almost insane."
Buffy choked on some food. "You mean, like…?"
"Yes, he came so close to losing himself. Even I didn't know if I could help him. He had torn himself apart; the dissonance of who he was and how he was living his life unbalanced him completely. He couldn't distinguish reality from delusion, he was suspicious of everyone, he was malnourished and dehydrated and I suspect he hadn't slept for days. He'd been abandoned by all of his friends, and I found him sitting near the decomposing body of his friend, Randall. He was like an animal, wild and dangerous."
"What did you do?" Buffy was fascinated and horrified. She couldn't imagine Giles being like this, although in her mind she could remember the state he'd been in after Jenny, still possessed by Eyghon, had jumped out of the window. Giles had been on the floor by his couch, his eyes wild and filled with pain. She remembered how hard it had been to get through to him, to get him to finally concentrate on her, to get him to speak of Eyghon. Her heart constricted and she refocused on the Shaman's words.
"I brought him here, much as I brought you here. And I watched over him. I talked to him for hours every day, and I made sure there was always food and drink. This is a restful place and I hoped it would soothe him and in time it did, though it took many weeks. He regained his sanity and when he did, he asked for my help."
"But you were already helping him."
"I was merely keeping his body alive, and allowing his mind time to heal. Rupert knew, as did I, that the real work ahead of him was healing his soul, his spirit. That was still fractured, the soul sickness within him profound. So I began to teach him and he has been my student since then, although there is much I have learned from him over the years." He smiled at Buffy. "Your Watcher is a remarkable man."
Buffy smiled proudly. Of that she was sure. Then she cocked her head to the side. "What did you teach him?"
"I taught him to create a secret garden, a sanctuary, a place of respite, where he can relax and nurture his soul. A place of beauty and tranquility. Then I taught him how to journey. How to achieve a trance state and send himself out, to the Shamanic lowerworld to find his spirit guides and to the Shamanic upperworld to find his spirit teachers. He now has the skill to journey when he needs answers and when his path is unclear. Guides and teachers that have chosen to walk his path with him surround him. They make him strong and wise."
"So that's what he's doing now? Going on that kind of journey?"
"Yes, although this one is different than ones he has gone on before. This journey will take him to the future. I have foreseen that it is a dark place for him and I fear that the journey will be painful for him."
"So why are you making him do it? I thought the point of all of this was to take away the pain."
"No, the point of all of this is to recognize that there will always be pain, suffering never goes away. But we can change our response to it, we can choose to acknowledge it and learn from it, without allowing it to control us." He paused as if considering what to say. He nodded, as if to himself and he spoke again.
"When Angel came back it was a challenging time for Rupert. He had been misused by Angelus, as you well know. Rupert came here because he refused to be controlled by his fear and his anger. He knew it would achieve nothing and most likely alienate you and make him less effective as your Watcher. He worked through the pain, until he could be around Angel, and talk about him and work with him without having to suffer while he was doing it. The source of the suffering didn't go away, Rupert's relationship to it changed. And because of it, he is stronger and wiser, and your relationship survived."
The Shaman let out a breath. "Your being ripped out of heaven, that is a significant cause of suffering. However, the pain you feel won't make it go away, or undo what's been done. So, regardless of how valid your feelings, they achieve nothing except adding to your misery. You distance yourself from those that love you, you block yourself from embracing your life, and you believe yourself incapable of experiencing joy and peace. And in that belief you create your own reality where those things are true. And if you continue down this path, you will never experience joy and peace, and you will drive everyone away except those who see the possible gain for them in your misery."
Buffy threw down her fork. "So, just like that, I snap my fingers and I start doing a happy dance that I'm alive again, that I get to kill again, that I have to die again?"
"No, not just like that. It is the most difficult process imaginable, letting go of suffering. But, it always must start with a single step. And your first step is at least a glimmer of belief that you can be whole again. For without that belief you will not even attempt the journey."
Buffy sat there in silence, looking at the Shaman, at Lindsey, at her surroundings. She thought of Giles and what he must have gone through with Eyghon, and for the first time, really thought about how wonderful he had been about Angel. Buffy had approached Giles with some trepidation the first couple of times when she had needed to discuss Angel, fully expecting Giles to go ballistic. But he hadn't. He'd been kind, and other than being realistically concerned, had never stopped being loving and supportive of Buffy and her relationship with Angel.
She looked up again at the Shaman. "I would have lost him if he hadn't come here after Angel came back, wouldn't I?"
"If Rupert hadn't chosen to face his pain and make a conscious choice to find a path of love through it, yes, I believe he would have left once he was fired and your new Watcher arrived."
Buffy's heart was beating faster just at the thought. How many other times had he done this for her? How many times had he thought of leaving? How many times had he stayed when all he wanted to do was go? Probably as many times as she had wanted to run. Too many times to count. Her voice was shaky. "I can't do this without him. I don't know how. I feel so lost and he's the only thing that makes sense to me."
The Shaman nodded. "Are you able to take that first step?"
"Will it keep him here?"
"It is why he is leaving. He believes that he is keeping you from finding your inner strength. He believes he is making it harder for you to take that first step."
Buffy's eyes filled with tears. "But he's not."
"Are you able to take that first step and believe? If not, he may be right."
Buffy got a determined look on her face. "Will you help me?"
The Shaman nodded. "Yes. We will talk further. Now let us finish our meal." Buffy nodded in relief, grateful for the distraction. Her mind was reeling from everything she'd heard and she just sat there in silence as the Shaman and Lindsey spoke quietly, hopping from topic to topic, allowing her the time to think things through.