Mission from God
by: Gileswench
Rated PG-13
EMAIL: gileswench@yahoo.com
RATING: PG-13 Sexual innuendo, sexual not so innuendo, British swear words, rampant 'shipperdom.
SUMMARY: One God defeated, another sets a task for our merry band.
SPOILERS: Set after the end of Season 5. Spoilers through The Body on Buffy and Epiphany on Angel.
DISCLAIMER: It all belongs to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc., etc., etc. I just let them have all the fun Joss won't. I own nothing except my twisted mind which you really don't want. Please don't sue.
FEEDBACK: Constructive criticism always welcome. Praise abjectly sought.
DISTRIBUTION: Gabi, Robin2, Dee, Emryld, And Mel if they want it, UCSL. All others, ask and ye shall receive.
NOTES: This one comes to you courtesy of Melissa Rae's challenge #164 on You Got The Stones? Which reads as follows: "Well, it's been a while since I've sent in a challenge, and I feel the need for a new story to love and cherish. I've also watched "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" several times over the weekend, so I apologize for any wackiness on my part. I want a silly fic (I know, I always want silly fics. But that's just 'cause they're just lovely, happy things). The whole gang must be on a mission from God to find the Holy Grail (which is now lost somewhere in Southern California). Wackiness ensues. Must have Spike, Dawn, Dreg, a grail-shaped beacon, flying chickens, coconuts, and Kermit the Frog. Romance is a plus, silliness a must (hee...I rhymed...again, I did apologize in advance). Have fun,and good luck!"
NOTES 2: This is a highly irreverent fic. If you are offended by a humorous approach to religion, I respectfully suggest this may not be the fic for you. No offense is intended to any religious belief, however.
DEDICATION: To Melissa Rae who always inspires me to flights of fancy. Thanks a million!
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
Giles slowly blinked his eyes open. Another morning. One he hadn't been sure he would see when he had left the comfort of home the night before.
He wasn't entirely used to thinking of the Summers house as his home, despite the fact he'd moved in barely a week after Joyce died. Hank Summers had, as usual, had better things to do than care for his daughters, so Giles had quietly stepped in, allowing Buffy to continue her studies and Dawn to live as normal a life as she could considering the fact she wasn't a teenage girl at all, but an ancient energy matrix being hunted by a psychotic Demon Goddess.
But now Glory was defeated, and Giles and Buffy, overwhelmed by emotion in the aftermath, had finally decided to tell one another how they truly felt.
And so it was that he woke to find Buffy still in his arms. He tightened said arms around her slightly and kissed the top of her still sleeping head. A misty-eyed smile spread across his features. The girl stirred.
"Morning." She reached up to kiss him. "I need some coffee and about a three week shower. Wanna come with?"
"Only if I can have a cup of Darjeeling instead of the coffee."
"I think that could be arranged."
They leaned in and kissed deeply, tongues mingling, hands beginning to wander when the door swung open.
With a mutual shriek, both pulled the bedding up to cover themselves.
"Felicitous morrow to you, Master. I bring sustenance for you and your most entrancingly scented lady fair." The bumpy minion scurried to the bed bearing a large tray loaded with food.
Giles massaged the bridge of his nose. He'd no idea why Dreg had insisted on following him home and swearing fealty to him, but he was thoroughly sick of the state of affairs less than twelve hours later.
"Dreg? What the hell do you think you're doing?"
The demon blinked and drew himself to his full, if not terribly impressive stature.
"Have my unworthy efforts offended, oh tall and impressive one? I beg thy indulgence for the ineptitude of my actions."
Buffy sniffed the air.
"Is that bacon?"
"It is, most glowy and beauteous one. Also, there are eggs, toast, marmalade, coffee, tea, freshly squeezed orange juice, and individual moist towlettes for your sanitary convenience."
"Okay, then. You're forgiven. But Dreg? If you ever walk into this room without knocking again I'll knock you into next week myself."
The minion bowed and scraped his way out of the room, shutting the door behind him.
*****
That evening, the Scooby gang and Spike were all gathered at the Magic Box to discuss their usual post destruction of this year's Big Bad celebration.
It wasn't that they wanted Spike there. In fact, most of them felt pretty vehemently that they wanted him elsewhere. As elsewhere as possible, Buffy thought. Unfortunately for majority rule, Dawn had taken such a liking to the biteless vampire, that the others allowed him in for the party.
"I vote we go to the amusement park. There are many safe rides designed to give the impression of great danger and anxiety. This raises the adrenaline and leads to more satisfying sex."
"Anya, my little sister is here. She doesn't need to know about the joy of sexy adrenaline."
Privately, though, Buffy filed away the thought of taking Giles on a roller coaster and seeing what it would do for their sex life.
"Anyway, we can't go there. Spike would get burned up. We could rent a bunch of movies, maybe."
"NO!"
Buffy, Giles, Xander, and Willow were quick to veto Dawn's suggestion. They were all still recovering from the last time they'd done that.
"We could go to The Bronze." Willow suggested. "Y'know, bust a few moves in honor of our kickassness."
"But we do that all the time, Will. We should do something different. Besides, Giles doesn't dance. What would he do?"
The others looked hard at the Slayer.
"What?"
Xander's eyes flitted from Buffy to Giles and back again. They hadn't said anything, but their matching blushes made guesswork easy.
"Aha! So the Watcher's not watching from the sidelines anymore. Finally. It's about time. This needs to be celebrated, and nothing says celebration like two words: Road and Trip."
"Oy! I'm not going on a drive with you lot. What, we're all gonna pile into Giles' car? First time he lets the top down I turn to dust, an all."
Buffy cocked her head and smiled.
"A plan with no downside whatsoever. I say let's roll."
"We will not! I won't have Spike dust all over my upholstery. And what about the shop? What will become of it while we're gone? Not to mention there are still vampires and demons that need slaying. Who will do that while we're all on progress like Good Queen Bess?"
The bell above the door tinkled merrily, albeit annoyingly, as Dreg scuttled into the shop, bowing and scraping his way toward Giles.
"Most intellectual and sarcastic one! I bring a missive in my scabby and unworthy hand into your well-nigh divine presence."
He bent nearly in half as he handed the scroll to the Watcher. Giles grabbed it with a snort of impatience and unrolled it.
As he read, his eyebrows shot up nearly to his hairline in an amazing feat of mobility. He whipped off his glasses and sat with a tiny thud at the tarot table. The Scoobies clustered around in mild panic. When Giles acted like this they could never be sure whether it was the end of the world, yet again, or whether he'd just remembered he was out of laundry detergent.
"Oh dear Lord."
"Giles? What is it? You're wigging me, sweetie."
Buffy took the opportunity to rub his shoulders comfortingly as Giles sat with a distracted air for some moments. Finally, he patted Buffy's hand, sat up straighter, and seemed to refocus on his companions.
"It would seem that we're going on a trip after all."
All the Scoobies began to talk at once, until Giles held up his hand for silence.
"This isn't just a road trip. It's a mission. A mission from...God, in fact. It would appear that the Holy Grail has gone missing and He has asked...well...ordered that we find and return it to Him."
"God lost a cup and he wants us to go after it? Didn't King Arthur or somebody take care of this a while ago?"
Buffy sounded as annoyed as she did perplexed.
"You're thinking of Indiana Jones, Buff. He saved it from the Nazis way back in the times before even Giles was born."
Xander's grasp on history was somewhat distorted, albeit colorful.
"God apparently doesn't wish to go to Los Angeles. There are some neighborhoods He's afraid to enter. Besides, Buffy is a champion of the light and as such must prove herself worthy to Him. This is how He chooses to test her."
"Again with the tests. Look, I didn't choose to be the Slayer, but all anybody ever wants is to make me prove I'm good enough for it. I wish, just once, somebody would take my word for it."
"Well, if you lot are off fighting evil and bringing light and joy and fluffy lambs into the world, I'm off."
Spike sauntered to the door.
"You can't leave, Spike."
The Watcher sounded tired and irritated.
"Why the bloody hell not?"
"Because God has specifically requested that you accompany us on our journey. Something about redemption and your essential purity of heart, or some such lunacy."
"Redemption? Who does God think I am? The Great Poofini?"
"I'm sure it's some sort of misunderstanding. Nevertheless, I believe we must stick to the letter of the message until we are told otherwise. God does work in mysterious ways. I suggest we all go home and get a good night's rest. We'll leave tomorrow at sundown."
With that, the group went to their separate homes to prepare for their
journey.
******
"So Cordy's old homies are coming here to look for the Holy Grail? Man, that's beyond stupid."
Wesley didn't even look up from the tome he was researching in.
"What's so stupid about it? The Grail must be somewhere, it might as well be in Los Angeles."
"Naw man, not that part. The part where they all come and drag us into their little Deity-induced mission. You said there's a bunch of 'em. Why do they need more bodies?"
"Because God wants us on the team. Wesley, hand me my battleaxe."
The Englishman barely raised his eyes above the page as he pulled down the blade and handed it smoothly to the vampire.
"God? Now is this God the same thing as the Powers That Be? 'Cause if so, why didn't they just send a vision-gram like they usually do?"
The vampire and the former Watcher shared an indulgent smile.
"Actually, Cordelia had a vision about an hour after Giles called. She's in the back with an icepack and an industrial sized bottle of Tylenol."
Angel kept packing weapons. Gunn shook his head.
"Girl shoulda got call waiting."
*****
"So when we find this Grail thingie, do I have to kill anything to get it?"
"That would depend on where it's being hidden and how it's being guarded."
"Okay, so how will God get it from us? I mean, will He just walk up and say 'thanks, Buff, I'll take it from here'? Or will it go POOF in a flash of lightning, or what?"
"I'm not entirely certain, Buffy."
The Slayer slumped in her seat and looked out the window at the picturesque freeway slipping by.
"Great. I hook up with Brain guy and he doesn't know squat."
"I know a great deal more than, er...squat, Buffy. The details of this mission, however, have not been made clear to us. I don't know how you expect me to know the answers God has chosen not to reveal to us. He..."
"Works in mysterious ways, I know, I know. Is that gonna be your stock answer for this whole trip?"
"Sorry; it's the only one I've got at present."
Buffy slumped back in her seat, arms folded across her chest. Just then, Anya poked her head into the cab of the camper they had rented for the trip.
"Xander sent me to ask, are we there yet?"
Since Giles was driving, Buffy was the one to glare at the former demon.
"Does it look like we're there?"
"Xander wanted me to ask" the girl grumbled as she returned to her seat.
*****
Despite the fact that the trip took a mere two hours, most of the Scoobies were no longer speaking to one another by the time they arrived in front of the Hyperion Hotel.
Anya was angry with Xander for making her ask questions of Buffy and Giles every five minutes and getting her yelled at. Buffy and Giles were both ready to throttle Xander for the same reason, but both also wanted to slap Anya for being so gullible as to fall for the trick seventeen times. Buffy wanted to pummel Giles for not having the answers to her questions while Giles was itching to scream at his girlfriend for asking him every question in the book that would make him look unprepared and stupid in front of the gang. Willow and Tara were no longer speaking because Tara had told Willow that it would be cheating to simply use a locator spell to find the Grail since God wanted them to Quest for it. Dawn was mad at Buffy for getting all kissy-face with Giles like a total loser, and nobody was speaking to Spike on principal.
Eight tired, disgruntled people piled out of the camper and gazed on the hotel for the first time. Buffy spoke for all of them.
"So this is where Angel lives now. Gee, I didn't think it would be this big. Or this...House of Usher meets House of Pancakes."
Xander looked around himself.
"Hey, aren't we missing someone?"
"Don't be ridiculous, Xander."
Giles failed utterly to look innocent.
Dawn assumed the look of steely determination all Summers women wore when they knew they were being lied to.
"What happened to Dreg?"
As Giles attempted to stutter his way through an explanation in the face of matching glares from his girlfriend and her little sister, the hellspawn demon himself came racing up the street, his hands fluttering wildly.
"Oh your most lissome suppleness! At last I have found you!"
Buffy continued to stare down a blushing Giles as she spoke to Dreg.
"Where ya' been? I thought we were a minion shy around here."
The scabby demon collapsed at his master's feet. Between the words of his explanation, he attempted to slip off the brown oxfords so he could kiss Giles' toes.
"Most radiant and effervescent one, I behaved in a most unworthy manner. When my glorious and tweedy master pulled off the road that we might all...eh...avail ourselves of the sanitarieness of the lavatorial facilities provided by the corporate goodness of Shell Oil, I, unfortunately, managed to cause a most grievous jamming of the doorframe. I have only now managed to catch up to your wonderfulness."
Buffy's eyes grew even colder. Giles was so not getting lucky that night.
"You locked him in the men's room at the Shell station?! Somebody might have needed it."
Giles shrugged sullenly as he kicked the minion away from his feet.
"It seemed a good idea at the time."
*****
"So it's agreed, then? We split into teams to find the Grail."
Giles watched eleven heads nod in assent. He also noticed one that did not.
"Spike? We are agreed, yes?"
"On one condition: I'm not going anywhere with Peaches there."
He used his cigarette to gesture at Angel.
"Like I'd want to go with you, either."
*****
After much consultation, the teams were divided thusly:
Team 1: Buffy, Giles, Dawn, and Spike with Dreg as Squire,
Team 2: Xander, Anya, Angel and Wesley,
Team 3: Willow, Tara, Cordelia, and Gunn.
It was further agreed that the one team sans vampires would leave in the morning, the others following when night fell. Angel led them all to their individual bedrooms for the night. Later, when he passed Buffy's door, he heard the unmistakable sounds of a Watcher being forgiven for locking his minion in the men's room of a gas station.
******
The sun shone bright in the sky as Willow, Tara, Cordelia, and Gunn left the Hyperion Hotel to seek adventure and the Holy Grail.
"I don't see why we couldn't just use the spell. We could all be back home before lunch that way."
"I told you, honey, God wants us to Quest for it. If He wanted us to do a locator spell, that's what He would have asked for."
Tara was tired of explaining the concept to her girlfriend, but knew she would have to do so at least another five times before this was over.
"So if God lost his cup, why doesn't He just go get a new one?"
"Don't you know nothing, Cordelia?" Gunn was shocked and disgusted. "This ain't just some moldy glass. Jesus drank out of it at the last supper."
Cordelia shook her head.
"Parents always choose the weirdest things to get sentimental about. Why doesn't He want the knife and fork, too?"
"'Cause there wasn't no knife and fork."
"You're kidding. Jesus ate with His hands? Suddenly, I'm beginning to understand His fashion sense, too."
The others shook their heads as they went to catch up with the girl.
*****
After several hours of walking, the little band found themselves in an unfamiliar neighborhood where even Gunn felt ill at ease. The three girls huddled closer together until Cordelia remembered that Willow was the girl she had taunted since they were five years old for being a total loser. The Seer moved closer to Gunn.
"Where the hell are we? And what makes you think the Holy Grail would be in a place like this? I mean, Son of God, already; don't you think his estate stuff would've gone someplace better than this?"
"It's been two thousand years, and I don't think Jesus ever lived in the good part of town." Gunn's attention was drawn to a sound in the distance. "What's that?"
"How would I know?"
Willow and Tara approached cautiously.
"S-sounds like a banjo," Tara observed.
Willow frowned. "I know I've heard that song before. I just don't know where."
All four crouched down and moved in the direction of the music. they came to a low stone wall and peeked over the top.
On the other side of the wall, there was a preternaturally green meadow. In the middle of said meadow, was a fallen log. Sitting on said log, was a frog playing the banjo.
And someday we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers, and me
La di dah dee
"Oh. My. God."
Cordelia's mouth hung open.
"I don't believe it!"
Tara was shocked.
"Well I'll be damned."
Even Gunn couldn't fathom the sight.
"Who is it?"
All eyes turned to Willow.
Cordelia rolled her eyes.
"It's Kermit the Frog!
"Sorry. My parents wouldn't let me watch the Muppets. They said the anthopomorphization of the animal characters was unhealthy and reinforced stereotypes that furry animals were automatically more worthy than not-furry ones."
The other three shook their heads.
"Hey, I can't help it that my Mom and Dad are weird. But you have to admit, a fuzzy frog is sorta strange too."
"Y'know, girl has a point, " Gunn agreed.
"So what do we do?" Cordelia brought matters back to the point.
"Well, this looks sorta Questy," Tara said. "I mean...frog, meadow, banjo; not the stuff you expect to see in downtown LA. Maybe we should...um...talk to him?"
The four approached the meadow cautiously, so as not to startle the frog away. They needn't have worried. As soon as they were within hailing range, the frog stopped playing the banjo and raised a cheery flipper.
"Hey ho, Kermit the Frog, here."
"Yo, man" was Gunn's reply. "I'm Gunn, and these are Cordelia, Willow, and Tara."
"Hi, Mr. The Frog."
Tara waved shyly and ducked her head.
"Come hither and tell me what it is you seek," Kermit encouraged them.
Gunn decided to come straight to the point.
"You haven't seen no Holy Grail 'round here, have you?"
The frog's eyes swept up and down the young demon hunter's form.
"Maybe, maybe not. Tell you what, why don't you send the girls on ahead, and you and I can have a nice chat while I think that one over."
Cordelia leaned over to Tara and whispered conspiratorially.
"Uh oh. I think we just found out why Miss Piggy never made any headway with green and leapy here."
"Gunn doesn't look too happy; maybe we should get him out of there."
"Nah. I want to test a theory of mine."
Meanwhile, Gunn blustered.
"Listen, Froggy! I ain't that sort of guy. Nothin' wrong with it if it's what you're into, but it ain't for me. Just give me a straight answer, and I'm on my heterosexual way."
The frog reached out a tentative flipper to Gunn's thigh.
"You don't know what you're missing."
At that moment, a fearsome cry of "Hi-Yah!" filled the air and a lavender glove came down with astonishing force on the back of Gunn's neck. He fell, stunned to the ground.
"No man makes a pass at my Kermie!" the avenging pig asserted.
She then proceeded to kick Gunn where it counts the most. The demon hunter rolled on the ground, choking and clutching his offended naughty bits.
"Hey! She can't do that to Gunn!" in a flash, Cordelia ran to the rescue of her coworker (who also suddenly seemed a great deal more attractive, now she knew for certain he wasn't gay).
"Time for this little piggy to go to market!"
She picked up Gunn's homade battleaxe from where it lay beside the sputtering, fallen hero, and brought it down right in the center of Piggy's lace handkerchief, pinning her to the spot.
The porker squealed in terror as Cordelia dragged her up by the low cut neckline of her evening gown.
"Listen, Piglet, nobody messes with my friends! And when are you ever going to learn that opera gloves before six pm are so wrong it hurts?!"
"But he was after my Kermie!"
"And that's another thing. Fag hags are so eighties. Get over it."
With that, she turned the pig around and, with a perfectly placed toe of her fashionable shoe to Miss Piggy's ham, kicked the screaming international superstar a distance that would be the envy of any football player. And she was kicking more than the skin of the pig.
Willow and Tara ran to Gunn's aid as Cordelia turned her attention to the now quivering frog.
"And as for you, short, green, and gay; keep your flippers off my guy!"
The frog leapt on his bicycle and rode away into the Technicolor meadow. Some time and distance later, Miss Piggy landed in his basket.
Cordelia turned back to Gunn, and threw herself at him.
"Oh Charles! Are you all right?"
"I thought I was until this. I gotta be hallucinating. Did you just call me 'Charles'?"
In lieu of an answer, Cordelia kissed him. After a panicked moment of struggle, Gunn decided this was a flow best gone with, and kissed her back. Willow and Tara retreated a short distance and looked happily at the new couple.
"Well, I don't know if we'll find the Grail, but at least it looks like they found something good out of this."
Tara put her arms around her girlfriend.
"The Grail will be found. And I think they just may have done it."
"Where? I don't see a Grail anywhere."
Tara smiled secretively and kissed Willow.
"You'll understand."
******
"So. Which way, Deadboy?"
"Xander, will you please tell your girlfriend to quit calling me that."
"What? Is she hurting your little vampire feelings? Remind me to feel sorry for you some time that isn't now." The young man passed said girlfriend a surreptitious Twinkie when the vampire wasn't looking. "Would you rather we call you an 'undead American'? Is that the PC term now?"
"I'm not American; I'm Irish."
Wesley rolled his eyes yet again. He'd known it was a bad idea to have Xander and Angel on the same team.
"Will the lot of you shut up and start looking! We've only a few hours before sunrise."
"We could split up. That way we could cover more ground."
The three men looked at the former demon.
"Are you quite insane?" Wesley demanded. "If we split up, we're four easy targets; if we stay together we're...arguing like insane persons. You know, I think Anya may be onto something."
Xander grabbed his girlfriend's hand.
"Okay, we'll go this way and you go that way, and Anya and I will get to Scotland before you."
Wesley detached the pair from one another.
"If we let you two go off together, you'll find a dark corner and have sex. Xander, you go with Angel, and I'll continue on with Anya."
"No way!"
For once, the young man and the vampire agreed.
"I'm not going anywhere with Deadboy here!"
"I can't work with this" the vampire whined.
"Tough." Wesley had had enough. "You're simply going to have to learn to live with one another."
"He's not alive."
"I didn't ask to be a vampire, you know."
Wesley placed a firm hand to the small of Anya's back and led her away firmly.
"But I want to be with Xander."
"Too bloody bad."
The former Watcher urged her on. Soon the two had left the bickering pair behind.
Left to their own devices, Xander and Angel glared sullenly at one another.
"I don't want to be with you any more than you want to be with me," Angel started. "But since we're stuck together, let's just try not to kill each other, okay?"
"Hey, my homicidal plans are on hold as long as you stay miserable, buddy. And don't look at my neck that way."
"What way?"
"Like you're wanting to give me a permanent hickey."
"There's no way I'd bite you. I bet you taste funny, anyway."
The two chose a direction and sniped their way into the night.
*****
After two hours of wandering in circles, Xander had had enough.
"You have no idea where you're going, do you, Deadboy?"
"I do too, and quit calling me that."
"What you gonna do about it, huh?"
"Stop being a jerk, Xander. And I know exactly where we are. We're...next to my favorite butcher's. See?"
"Yeah, and we've been by here three times so far. Look, if you want a snack, just go in and get one. Anything so you stop seeing little bull's-eyes on my carotid."
"Jugular. You're pointing to your jugular. And relax; I wouldn't eat you if you were the last loser on earth."
The vampire skulked into the butcher shop. Xander shuddered slightly as he watched Angel go. Then he realized how hungry he was. Up to that point, he'd been concentrating on Angel's potential appetite, ignoring his own. Now that the pressure was off, he felt a definite need for junk food. Unfortunately, he'd given Anya the last Twinkie and he'd long run out of Ho Ho's.
Glancing around himself, he noticed a beacon in the distance. Could it be the sign of 7/11? Or possibly Circle K?
Xander knew he should wait for Angel, but his stomach grew more insistent.
He headed off in search of empty calories.
*****
The beacon glowed brighter in the distance. Xander felt he'd been following it for hours, though it had really only been about fifteen minutes. Hey, minutes get long when you're hungry. And horny. And your girlfriend's just been taken elsewhere by another guy.
Just a few steps more and Xander would know what haven of junk food he was approaching. The image of the beacon was becoming clearer. It was...it was...
A grail.
Xander laughed. He'd found it. The Zeppo had discovered something the Slayer and the ensouled vampire and two Watchers, two witches, and an ex-demon couldn't.
The Grail.
He sped up his pace.
In minutes he was pounding on the door of a large, stone building.
"Hey! Let me in!"
He pounded some more.
"Aw come on, guys! Lemme in!"
He stumbled forward as the door swung open suddenly. When he'd regained his balance, Xander found himself face to face with a pair of breasts such as he'd never dreamed of. Large, ripe and firm, not to mention barely encased in some flimsy, filmy material that just barely managed to remain within the limits of PG-13.
Xander raised his head.
The view in that direction was good, too. Limpid blue eyes gazed at him from beneath a fringe of golden curls. A slightly shopworn smile curved her lips.
"Hey there, big boy. What's your name?"
"Guh..."
"What was that? Guy?"
Xander shook his head furiously.
"No, no, my name's Xander. But the light...you have the Grail, right?"
The woman swung around and called up the stairs.
"Gail! You got a request!"
"No, wait! I just..."
But the woman was gone. Another was coming down the stairs. Xander swallowed hard.
Gail was tall. Too tall to be a normal woman. Her body was both curvaceous and muscular...and encased in skimpy black latex and thigh-high boots. Her fingernails gleamed blood red in the dim light. So did her hair.
Xander almost swallowed his tongue this time.
"You asked for me? Sure you're...up to it?" she growled at him.
Xander gave a nervous giggle. "Up...yes, I'm up to it, but no! I have a girlfriendihaveagirlfriendihaveagirlfriend." He screwed his eyes shut and continued his mantra a few more times. Then he took a deep breath and opened his eyes. "Look, just give me the Grail and I'm on my way."
Gail shrugged. "That'll cost you extra."
"How much? I got a buck fifty."
"Look, honey, you're cute, but I got a living to make. My rate is seventy-five an hour. You want some sort of fantasy on top of my usual routine, we're talking a hundred, hundred fifty depending."
Xander waved his hands frantically.
"No, no, I don't want to - and I never thought I would actually say this to a flesh and blood woman - I don't want to have sex with you. I just want the Holy Grail. Give me that and I'm on my way."
Several other prostitutes gathered as Xander's voice grew louder.
"Look, I don't know what you're talking about, kid. And a buck fifty won't cut it." She stood immediately before Xander, thrusting her latex-encased breasts in his direction and running one teasing hand along his outer thigh. "So what are we gonna do about that?"
"I have MasterCard? Do you take MasterCard?" Xander babbled.
The hookers cheered en masse and converged on the young man. Suddenly a large hand yanked on Xander's collar and pulled him from the teeming mass of womanhood.
"Oh, hi, Angel." Xander sounded less than enthusiastic at his rescue.
"I'm getting you out of here. Back off, girls!"
The vampire let his demon face slide to the fore. The ladies of the night shrieked in unison (and harmony) as their potential customer was dragged out the door by the vampire.
"Oh...crap!" Gail stomped her foot in frustration.
*****
Angel pushed the reluctant Xander before him.
"look, I had the Grail. It was there."
"It was a bordello, Xander. All you would have gotten there is VD."
"You're just jealous 'cause they wanted my body. And I saw the Grail. It was there."
"That was just a sign. It's been there for years."
"I want to go back there."
"Trust me, you don't want those girls. Some of them have diseases there's no name for yet."
"I bet you're gay."
"Shut up."
*****
It was nearly sunrise when Angel and Xander reached the agreed upon meeting place for the day. Anya threw herself at her boyfriend and kissed him enthusiastically.
"Xander! I missed you so much. Did you find anything? We didn't."
"Not a thing, An. Let's go to bed."
"An excellent suggestion," Wesley agreed. "Coming, darling?"
Angel slipped an arm around the Englishman's waist.
"Not yet, but I'm sure you can do something about that."
Xander stared after the two.
"Guh."
******
"Dreg!" Giles came to a sudden halt.
"Yes, your most wonderously bespectacledness?"
"If you don't stop banging those blasted coconut shells together, I shall shove them up your nostrils."
The demon blinked in surprise. "Do you not like it, oh magnificently clean-shaven one? Have my most unworthy efforts offended?"
"You know bloody well that they have."
"My most humble apologies, your brilliance. It seemed but fitting that a man of your stature, in both the physical and the metaphorical sense, should ride a great steed. Since such beasts are sadly lacking in this unsightly urbanly blighted neighborhood, I attempted, in a most unsatisfactory manner, to replicate at least the auditory experience. May my tongue be pulled out if I use that miserable and lowly organ to tell a lie."
He approached Giles, his tongue waggling several inches beyond his chapped and scabby lips.
"Wow," Dawn observed. "This guy knows more long, boring words than Giles."
"Now, now, pet," Spike reminded her, "Giles knows lots and lots of words I bet he never tells us about. Maybe you'd like to teach the Niblet a couple of the words you used when you had me sodding chained up in your bath?"
Buffy looked hard at the vampire.
"Tell me again why it is I don't stake you?"
"I'm buggered if I know anymore" Giles muttered under his breath.
"I heard that! Fine language to be using in front of Slayer's little sister."
The little band fell to arguing yet again as Dreg crawled on hands and knees to abase himself to Giles. And so it was that none of them noticed that the night sky had darkened further until the first chicken dive bombed them.
Through sheer luck, Dreg had been holding up one of his shells and the beak pierced that harmlessly. The enraged fowl flapped its wings, but was unable to break free.
"This is most surprising," Giles mused. "For one thing is certain; although they are birds, chickens are not creatures of the air. I wonder what's happened to this one."
Buffy looked up at the ominous cloud of hovering hens.
"I dunno, but it happened to the rest of them, too."
Dreg scuttled over to an abandoned fruit stand to get a replacement coconut. He was trying to figure out how to break it when one of the birds divebombed him and ended up with its beak, like that of its predecessor, impaled on the coconut. The little band watched in horror as the fruit was sucked dry and the shell shriveled.
"Omigod! Vampire chickens! Spike, get Dawn out of here!"
The Slayer drew her stake and Giles unsheathed his sword as the vicious chickens swooped down upon them.
Giles lopped head after head from the hellish fowl as Buffy plunged her stake unerrringly into their tiny hearts. Puffs of dust filled the air on every side, yet more chickens came.
Spike wrapped his duster over Dawn for her protection and hurried her off to hide behind a dumpster. Just as they got there, one of the chickens made a move for the teenager. Spike punched out wildly at the bird.
"Aw! Bloody hell!"
"Spike? Are you okay? I thought the chip didn't do anything if it's a demon."
"It doesn't. But I punched the sodding thing in the beak and it poked a hole in my knuckle. Buggering hell, but it hurts!"
Buffy and Giles, in the meantime, continued to take out one after another of the vampiric birds.
"This is insane! Somebody watched too way much Alfred Hitchcock in life!" The Slayer's stake dusted another beaked bloodsucker.
As suddenly as the attck began, it ended. The Slayer and Watcher remained in battle stance for a long moment before they sighed in relief and put their weapons up.
Giles pulled Buffy into his arms, but continued to scan the area for more danger.
"I think it's over."
Spike and Dawn slowly stood and left the safety of the dumpster. Buffy pulled away from Giles long enough to embrace her sister.
"You okay, Dawnie?"
"Yeah. I'm alright."
"Thank you, Spike. I - you - I guess that's why I don't stake you, huh?" The Slayer smiled wryly at the vampire.
"look, I'm still evil. A couple cartons of fags, and we'll call it even, okay?"
"Done."
Dawn looked up.
"Hey, where'd Dreg get to?"
The group craned their necks in a half hearted effort to locate the demon. At last the bumpy minion crawled out from under an abandoned car where he'd been sheltering and scuttled over to his lord and unwilling master.
"A thousand million apologies, most lethal and righteous one! I was..."
The demon stopped mid-toady when he realised nobody was listening. This would never have happened with the deliciously-scented Gloificus!
Giles continued to look puzzled.
"What I don't understand is who would do something so utterly insane as to turn an army of vampire chickens."
As if on cue, there came a nasal giggle from the shadows. A giggle most of them knew all too well.
"Dru? Is that you, Princess?"
Buffy scrambled for her stake and Giles unsheathed his sword as the dark vampiress approached from the shadows, stroking the hair of her blindfolded china doll.
"Miss Edith told me the feathered ones would make the bad Slayer go away, but she was wrong. How shall I punish her, Spike?"
"Dru, she's a dolly. She doesn't feel it when you poke out her eyes, pet."
Drusilla whimpered and raised her hand to almost pet Spike's bleach blonde head.
"You're helping her! Your brain is all addled with her! With electicity and lies!"
"You know about the chip, pet. But her and me, it's not gonna happen. Not if I can be with my Dark Princess."
"But she won't let you go, Spike. She's keeping you here with searching and protecting. She won't let you go until you give it to her. Why won't you do it, my love?"
Giles rolled his eyes. "This is worse than Passions."
Spike pulled Drusilla's hips against his own and looked into her eyes.
"What do you mean, Dru? I don't have what she's looking for."
The vampiress' lips hovered milimeters from Spike's as she whispered: "Behind the hiding place. You stood almost on top of it."
Spike considered for a moment, then ran behind the dumpster. There on the ground mere inches from where he'd hidden during the chicken attack, he found a bent and twisted cup of dull metal. the instant he touched it, he pulled back to nurse his burned fingers.
"Bloody, buggering hell! Slayer! Get over here!"
The others except for Drusilla raced to the spot. Buffy picked up the ugly metal cup.
"This is the Grail? This is what all the fuss is about?"
"Cool. Can I see it?"
"No, Dawn, you'll just drop it and then we'll have to start all over again."
Buffy handed the cup to Giles.
"You take it from here, and let's all go home."
Spike gave them all a hard look.
"I've decided; I'm not going back with you lot."
Dawn blinked in hurt confusion.
"But why Spike? Where are you going?"
"I gotta stay with Dru, ducks. She's psychotic, murderous, evil. In short, she's the sort of bird I really go for. Look, no hard feelings, Niblet, but I want to be with her. Maybe I can even get this bloody chip out of my head and be a real big bad again. That's what I need to be happy. Can you understand that?"
The girl nodded through her tears. Spike lifed her chin in his hand.
"You know, pet, if you were just a bit older, and I didn't have the chip, and your sister there wouldn't stake me before I could say bugger all, I'd turn you and take you along in an instant."
"Really? You're not just saying?"
"Really. Vampire's honor." He pressed a cold kiss to her forehead, then looked hard at Buffy and Giles. "You take good care of Little Bit here. I'll be back to check on that, and so help me I'll kill you both if anything happens to her - chip or no chip."
"Not if I stake you first. But we'll take good care of Dawn. It's kinda our job, y'know."
The vampire nodded and turned the crying girl over to her older sister. He took one last look, then turned to face Drusilla.
"Bugger all!"
For there stood Drusilla fondling Dreg as he toadied his heart out at her. The mad vampiress cooed and purred in delight at the flow of poetic grovelling that poured from the cracked and unhealthy lips of the minion. The two walked off, arm in arm, leaving the others without a single thought.
Giles placed a comforting hand on Spike's shoulder.
"Come on then, Spike. I'll stand you to a beaker of O negative and a box of Wheetabix."
"Yeah, all right then."
The four turned back to the Hyperion Hotel.
******
Five couples and two singles sprawled around the lobby of the Hyperion Hotel.
"So the Grail was physical and not metaphorical after all." Tara sounded slightly sheepish. Her intuition was rarely so far off.
"The part I can't believe is that Drusilla led us to it," Buffy mused from her perch on Giles' lap. "That and her vampire chickens."
Xander shuddered. "That sounds like something I'm glad I didn't see. But hey, I'll trade you one image of vampire chickens for one highly embarrassing episode of being saved by my least favorite bloodsucker of all time."
"Xander. You might recall not only that Angel saved your...virtue, for lack of a better term, but he is also your host," Giles reminded the young man.
"Sorry, Soulboy."
"Don't mention it."
"But we could have just done a locator spell, and we wouldn't have had to go through all this hassle. 'Cause I gotta say, that whole Muppet thing is probably gonna give me nightmares for a while. Who woulda guessed that Kermit the Frog is not only real, but gay, too?"
At that moment, Wesley entered the room with a fully loaded tea tray.
"What's wrong with being gay?" he demanded.
"Nothing, Wes. Willow was just surprised, that's all." Angel gave his partner a quick kiss on the cheek to placate him.
"I'm just glad to have seen the back of Dreg. Perhaps now my life can return to normal." Giles smiled softly at Buffy.
"Normal, Sweetie? We live on the Hellmouth where you run a magic shop staffed by an ex-demon and train your Slayer girlfriend who's almost thirty years younger than you are. Not to mention, we keep ending up working with a vampire who can't bite, two of our best friends are witches, and nobody has ever clued in to the fact that we blew up the high school the day I graduated because the Mayor had turned into a giant snake and eaten the Principal. Dreg was annoying, but he was sorta the status quo of our lives."
"I can't believe Dru picked that...scabby, toadying little runt over me." Spike shook his head in perplexity.
"I don't know that it's so surprising," Cordelia observed. "After all, she picked a Chaos Demon and a Fungus Demon over you before - not to mention Angel when he was all grrr. Face it, you just aren't her type. She likes 'em really, really yuck."
"Hey!"
"Sorry, Angel, but your evil twin Skippy is pretty much of the yuck. Speaking of which, how are you two getting around that whole 'one moment of happiness' clause? 'Cause I so don't want to find myself working with the enemy one of these mornings."
"Relax, Cordy; I'm not gonna turn soulless."
"Just for the record, though, how are you planning to make sure of that?" Buffy was deeply curious.
Angel and Wesley both blushed deeply and discovered an overwhelming interest in the floor.
Gunn stared at the two and shook his head in disbelief.
"Do not try to tell me you two are just saying no. Man, that's a whole new level of pathetic."
"Don't worry, Angel. Tara and I will see if we can find a spell to make the soul more...permanent, or something.
Tara nodded vigorously.
"You'll do that so Angel can get together with Wesley, but you wouldn't do it for me? Thanks a lot, Will!"
"Buffy!"
"Don't worry, Giles; I don't want to be with him anymore. I was just wondering what gives is all." She turned to her ex-boyfriend. "I hope you and Wes will be very happy together...as soon as it's safe. And now, I don't know about the rest of you, but fighting an army of vampire chickens all night has me pretty much wanting to go to bed. You coming with, Sweetie?"
Buffy stood and headed for the stairs.
"If you'll all excuse us...?"
Giles followed the tiny blonde.
Once they reached their room, Giles shut the door and smiled at Buffy.
"You have no intention of sleeping, have you?"
"Nope. But I do want to go to bed. Coming with?"
"Always, my love. Always."
*****
Several hours later, Dawn crept down the stairs to the lobby. She was surprised to find Spike there.
"What are you doing here?"
"Might ask you the same question, Niblet. Can't you sleep?"
Dawn rolled her eyes. "You try that next door to my sister and Giles. For my birthday, I'm going to ask them to soundproof their room. Anyway, I wanted a drink of water."
"And I needed a drink of blood."
The pair got their respective drinks and sat down together.
"Spike? How is God going to take the Grail?"
The vampire shrugged.
"Dunno. God doesn't usually let me in on His plans. Funny how He doesn't confide in evil, soulless, creatures of the night."
"Are you mad that Drusilla left with Dreg?"
Spike considered for a moment.
"Could've been worse, I suppose. She might have taken a liking to Giles or something. Slayer'd hurt me a long time before she'd dust me over that."
"I guess you're right." The girl drank her water slowly. "Spike? Did you really mean that? About turning me and taking me with you?"
"Might have done. If I wouldn't have got myself dusted good and proper doing it."
Dawn nodded.
"I don't think I want to be turned. But maybe, in a few years...do you think...?"
The vampire smiled.
"Give it a few years, Little Bit. Give it a few years
The End