They followed the directions and found the bar. They walked to the entrance, entering. They let their eyes adjust to the low light, and all of them raised their eyebrows at the assorted customers ranged around the seats and tables. Demons of every size and shape, interspersed with a few humans were talking, eating, drinking, and even more amazingly, not fighting. Giles led them to an empty table half way up to the stage. He wasn't sure what to do now; he realized he had no idea who he was looking for. A waiter came over and took their drink order. He started to leave to get their drinks. Giles motioned him back. "Where can I find The Host?" he inquired.
The waiter looked around and pointed at a man with his back towards them in a white suit. "That's him." Waiting to see if anything more was required he looked at Giles. Giles thanked him, and he left.
Giles wanted a drink before he spoke with The Host. He actually felt like he wanted to throw up. Now that they were here he was deathly afraid that they would find that there was no way to get Buffy back, and that this whole trip, and the hope he had been experiencing had been for nothing. Suddenly, he saw Willow and Tara's eyes widen, looking at something over his shoulder. "Welcome, I'm your Host. Always glad to welcome a new face, especially if you're in the mood to spend money."
Giles looked over his shoulder and saw a green demon, with red eyes and horns, wearing a gleaming white suit. He couldn't stop the grin that formed on his face. The Host looked at Giles, and saw the green eyes he had seen in the vision. The two of them looked at each other for a moment. "You're the Watcher, aren't you?"
"Yes."
"I didn't realize you would be bringing your family, couldn't get a babysitter?"
Giles swept all the young people sitting with him at the table with his eyes, and looked back at The Host. "They belong here, with me, with Buffy."
The Host heard the finality in the statement and accepted it. "Let me get a song menu for you." He left the table and headed over to the stage. He returned in a moment and handed it to Giles. "The song you choose is important. It needs to be a song you like, that means something to you. It doesn't have to have anything to do with why you're here." Giles nodded, wondering if he would know anything on the list. The Host spoke up again, addressing the entire table, "Someone get your drink orders already, everybody happy?" The five young people at the table all nodded their heads, like puppets on a string. He grinned, "Yes, well good. I'll be back to check on you later."
Giles started running his eyes down the list. He relaxed when he realized there were multiple songs he recognized. He would be perfectly happy singing several of them. Xander finally spoke up, "So, what song are you going to inflict on us, G-man?"
"Don't call me that, please."
"Sorry, c'mon, give it up, what song?"
"I haven't quite decided."
"Let me see the list." Giles handed it over to him. Their drinks arrived, and they all had a sip of their beverage. Xander made an unpleasant noise as he reviewed the list. "Sheesh, what a list. Don't they have real music? This stuff is so old."
Giles rolled his eyes at his comment. The Host came by and snagged the list out of Xander's hands. "Tut, tut, tut, that list is not for you." He handed it back to Giles. "Have you decided?" Giles pointed to one of the songs. "Are you ready?" The Host asked, pointing to the empty stage. Giles felt anything but ready, but he stood, looking at the assorted people at the table. They really were his family.
Xander quipped, "Hey, Giles, go break a leg." Giles smiled and headed for the stage.
Willow and Tara grinned at each other. They loved to listen to Giles' voice and they were looking forward to it, despite the macabre circumstances. Xander was preparing himself for deep cringing and Dawn looked ready to cry. Willow reached over and took her hand, and Dawn squeezed tightly. The music started and Giles started to sing, he closed his eyes, putting all his heart into the song. It was an old Beatles' song, Something in the Way She Moves. He had always loved it, it had in fact, often made him think of Buffy, and his mind was full of her as he sang. Conversation died away in the bar as his voice filled the darkness. Even Xander had to admit he was pretty good. The song came to an end, and Giles pulled the microphone away from his face. The bar erupted into applause and a nervous grin flashed across his face. He made as if to leave the stage when The Host came up and motioned him to stay.
"Not so fast, here….sing this one." He gave a number to the DJ, and moved away. Giles watched to see what was coming up. It was Yesterday, again by the Beatles. He had to fight away the tears and push past the lump in his throat to start singing. When he was done, all his friends were in tears. Giles moved again to leave, but The Host had another song starting. Giles looked at the Host, who gestured at the box. Giles looked at the lyrics and started to sing again. He was actually starting to enjoy himself. He loved to sing, and rarely got the opportunity. The Host had him sing 3 more songs before he let him get off the stage. His last song was met with thunderous applause, especially from his table.
Giles went and sat down, Willow and Tara both looking at him dreamily. Xander looked at them and snorted, reaching over to swat Giles' arm. "Good job G-man." At a look from Giles, "Yeah, I know, don't call you that." He grinned, and Giles grinned back.
The Host came up to the table and everyone nervously sat up straight, panicked that he might dash their hopes. He sat down with them, staring at Giles, not saying anything at first. Finally, "Hmmmm…"
Giles leaned towards him, asking him, "What did you see?"
"I'm thinking."
"Why did you have me sing so many songs?"
"Honestly? Because you have a nice voice and it kept people who don't off the stage." He looked at Giles and saw the hardening in his eyes. "Kidding…. does no one have a sense of humor anymore?"
Giles didn't look appeased. "All right, I just kept getting flashes, and I was hoping that with more singing I could get enough of them to put a picture together that made sense."
"And did you?"
"Something's still missing." The Host looked around the table, taking his time, looking at them all, assessing them. His eyes finally rested on Dawn. She stared back, her eyes wide, feeling nervous at his scrutiny. Giles cleared his throat. The Host looked back at Giles. "She has something to do with it, but I don't know what. The two of you need to do a duet." Dawn gasped, petrified at the thought. She stared at Giles, begging him to come up with a different solution.
Xander laughed, "C'mon Dawn, what happened to the 'I'll do anything to get Buffy back' oath we all took back at Giles' house?"
Dawn looked sheepish and spoke softly, "What should we sing? Can you pick something where you do most of the singing?" Her eyes were pleading.
Giles picked up the song list again looking for duets, something that would be easy for Dawn to sing. He started to grin, and held the list out to Dawn, showing her a selection from My Fair Lady. She grinned back and nodded her head. Giles, Buffy and Dawn had spent an evening watching My Fair Lady a couple of weeks before Buffy died. Buffy had wanted to give Dawn a normal night. They'd all had more fun than anticipated. The three of them had sung along with all the songs but for this one song Dawn and Buffy had gotten quite silly, throwing grapes in their mouths and trying to sing along with Audrey Hepburn, who sang part of the song with her mouth full of marbles.
Giles took her hand and walked with her up to the stage. The music started and the two of them started singing The Rain in Spain, Dawn laughing as she couldn't keep up with the monitor, still tightly clasping Giles hand. After the song ended, they both took a theatrical bow, and smiled at each other. Suddenly, Giles gasped; he held her hand more tightly and raised it chest level. He stared at their hands clasped, as if looking for the answers to the universe there. Dawn held her breath, watching him, trusting him. Giles looked down at Dawn, "It's you." He looked for The Host, and catching his eyes, said, "It's her, isn't it?"
The Host nodded his head and added, "And it's you as well. The two of you."
Giles smiled at Dawn, still holding her hand, his eyes bright. He looked down at The Host again. "There's a way this can happen, isn't there?"
The Host nodded again, "Yes, I think there is." Giles escorted Dawn back to the table and waited for The Host to join them.
Once seated, he motioned for a waiter and ordered a drink. Everyone at the table shifted impatiently. He so enjoyed the limelight. He grinned, savoring the moment, and then began speaking. "Okay, I don't have the full picture, but I may have enough pieces for you to figure out the rest. One, Buffy saying that they made…" he looked at Dawn, "Dawn, right?" She nodded. He continued, "Dawn out of her, that she was a part of her. Two, Dawn, I don't want to know the details, please, but you once weren't there, but now you are, made flesh. Three, I saw a guy with cheese, not sure what that was about, but it might be important. Four," he looked at Willow and Tara, "two spells, a symbol that looks like this." He drew it on a napkin and handed it to Willow. He didn't release it yet. "Witches?" Willow and Tara both nodded. He released the napkin. "Five, the Powers That Be will want a sacrifice, you'll need to have a chat with them. I kept seeing bottles of peroxide, and bad poetry." At their glances he stated, "Hey, I just call them as I see them. Six," he looked at Giles, "I saw you, in a tuxedo, standing next to Buffy, in a wedding dress, getting married, then holding a small child. Congratulations. Have a cigar, it's a boy." He reached into his inside jacket pocket and actually pulled out a cigar, handing it to Giles. He laughed at the completely confused look on Giles' face, and continued, "Seven," he looked at Xander and Anya, "The Watcher was right, you all do belong here. The two of you are anchors, you'll need to be present to keep Dawn and the Watcher safe."
He paused for a moment. "I'll be honest with you. I saw several possible futures. She doesn't come back in most of them; the odds are against you. You…" he looked straight at Giles, " died in a few. But it could happen, if everything goes just right."
Anya spoke up, looking at The Host, "How can she come back? Her body is buried in the ground. I don't understand."
The Host nodded his head, "Good question, and normally my response would be that I have no earthly idea. But you see that girl over there?" He pointed his chin in Dawn's direction, and Anya nodded her head. "A piece of her is right there." He swung his head to look at Giles, "and a big piece of her is in him. All of you have pieces of her in you but these two are the key." He stood. "Boy, that wore me out, I hate working this hard so early in the evening." He smiled to take the sting out of his words. "Hey, Watcher, sing me one more song?"
Giles smiled, willing to do anything for this demon that had called him for no reason, offering his heart back to him. "It's Giles. Call me Giles. And I'll sing you any song you want."
-----
The drive back to Sunnydale was quiet as everyone thought about the inscrutable information they had been given. Finally Xander spoke, "So, I'm guessing major research mode, right?"
"Quite." Giles responded. "Willow, Tara, did that symbol he drew look familiar to you? It seemed to ring a bell but I can't bring it to mind." Willow and Tara shook their heads. They pulled up to Giles' place and saw Spike standing there. They poured out of the car and they all swept into Giles' apartment. "Xander, maybe you can fill Spike in, while the girls and I start pouring through these books." Xander assented and sat Spike down to fill him in on the evening's events. Giles and the four girls began a systematic search through Giles' private library.
"A sacrifice? What do you mean a bloody sacrifice?" Spike turned towards Giles. "What did he mean by that? Bleeding peroxide bottles, he means me, right? And what did he mean by the bad poetry crack?"
Giles shifted closer to Spike, looking at him. "Yes, I assume he did mean you. I don't know why you, or what he meant by sacrifice. Somehow you have to contact the Powers That Be and ask them."
"Bloody perfect. How the hell am I supposed to do that?"
"I don't know. We have a lot to research and that is only one piece of the puzzle."
Spike turned to Xander, "Well, go ahead, and tell me the rest of this bleeding fairy tale." Xander resumed his synopsis of the night's events. Once he was finished, the group was silent, feeling the enormity of their task.
"Willow," Giles asked, "can you get on line and put that symbol in and see what comes up?" Willow nodded her head. Giles noted the time, nodding towards the door. "We should call it a night. Dawn you have school tomorrow, right?" Dawn nodded. "Do you want to stay with Willow and Tara again?"
Dawn swallowed, "Can I stay here with you?"
He smiled, "Tell you what, let me pack a few things, and I'll come stay at your house, all right? That way you can sleep in your own room." Dawn nodded.
Anya reached for Xander's hand. "C'mon, let's go home, now that you're happy again, I want to have sex." Xander blushed, rolling his eyes, but stood quickly, taking her hand, pushing her out the door.
Tara and Willow smiled and got up to leave as well. Willow went over to Giles and gave him a hug. She looked up at him, a wicked twinkle in her eye, "Mr. and Mrs. Giles, hmmm? Can I be bridesmaid?"
Giles looked down at her experiencing an odd mixture of joy and despair, and closed his eyes. "Behave and go home." She looked at him, closely, and wondered why it had never occurred to her before, him and Buffy. Now that the thought was in her head, she couldn't imagine either of them with anyone else. She held out her hand to Tara and the two of them left.
Spike looked at Dawn, "Hey Niblet, give us a moment, would you?" Dawn moved away, moving into the kitchen to find a snack. Giles looked at Spike, waiting to see what he wanted.
"Giles, I know I talk all bad, but…" He paused, and Giles' eyes softened as he realized where Spike was going. Spike continued, "I'll do whatever it takes." He looked up briefly to see Giles' response.
Giles smiled at him. "Spike, I never doubted it. I know you loved her."
Spike bowed his head, feeling the warmth and affirmation of Giles' words flow over him. "Yeah, well, just so you know." He spoke gruffly to hide his feelings. "I'll see you tomorrow night then."
"Yes, tomorrow night. Goodnight Spike." He watched Spike leave the apartment. "Dawn, I'm just going to pack a few things."
"All right," or at least a close approximation of that came from the young girl, her mouth full of crackers. He grinned and ran up the stairs.
-----
By noon, they were all frustrated. They were no closer to figuring out what spell would work. Willow's Internet search had provided them with too much information. The symbol was ubiquitous. It crossed cultures, religions, had multiple definitions, some seemingly contradictory to others.
Giles leaned back in his chair feeling defeated. Xander sprang up out of his chair, "Okay, granted the spell search hasn't gone well, but maybe we could start somewhere else." The group looked at him. He swallowed, "Okay, me and my big mouth. Well, what else did green and horny say?"
Willow started to recap. "Well, the monks made Dawn out of Buffy, right? So, that's where The Host was going, right? We make Buffy out of Dawn somehow." Everyone looked at her. She blushed, "Oh, I guess we knew that……looking for a spell, I get it."
Xander tried again, "I get the Dawn part, I mean, not get it, but I can follow along. I get the spell part and where you two fit in." He nodded at Tara and Willow. "I don't even want to think about the cheese." He shivered at the thought. He, Giles and Willow exchanged glances. "So, that leaves Spike, hopefully falling on a stake somewhere at the request of the Powers That Be, and you." He stopped, turning to Giles. "Explain that to me, please. What was with the wedding, and the cigar? That part I don't get at all, except the part that I get, which I don't want to get, because that can't be what he meant, right?"
Giles looked darkly at Xander, but didn't respond. How could he? The thought of having his secret longings for Buffy brought into the light of day made him feel naked and exposed. He had hidden those feelings away so deeply, never in his wildest dreams expecting them to come true. Being taunted, upon her death, at the possibility was like pouring alcohol on a raw wound. He was afraid if he spoke of it that all his friends would see the truth, see his need, his desires. He didn't understand what the vision meant, just that he wanted it to come true with a vengeance.
Anya looked at Xander, exasperated; annoyed that he still carried a thing for Buffy. Well, not a real thing, like he had for her, but still a thing. "That's the easiest to figure out." Everyone turned to her, waiting to hear her explanation. "I mean, come on, why would Buffy want to come back? Her life totally sucked." At the amazed glances she received from her comments, she continued, warming to her subject, "Well, it did. She had no love life, the only guy in love with her was a neutered blood-sucking vampire, her mom just died, she had a make-believe sister who should be in juvenile hall, her life was stressing her out so much she got catatonic, and had the two of you…" motioning to Giles, "fighting like cats and dogs. She'd been the slayer for six years and was pretty sick of it. She felt like everything she loved was taken away from her, and I can't even remember the last time she smiled. She was actually getting to be quite a party pooper." She grinned, her smile inappropriate to the subject matter. But she liked that phrase and was pleased to have had the opportunity to use it in a sentence. She softly mouthed it to herself, "party pooper, party pooper."
Giles sat back in his chair, stunned. He hadn't even thought as to whether Buffy would want to come back. She had been miserable. This whole thing with Dawn, and Glory, coming after Riley and her mother's death, had been overwhelming for her. She had looked so peaceful lying there, after her fall. She had looked more peaceful than she had looked in months, other than that one silly night at her house watching videos. Was this the right thing to do? Would she welcome the opportunity to come back, or be angry that he had imposed on her well-deserved rest? He ran his hand through his hair, uncomfortable with his thoughts.
Xander finally spoke, "Thanks for sharing, An, but you haven't clarified the whole Giles-Buffy getting married and having a baby thing. I thought that's where you were going."
Anya lifted her chin, "It's so obvious. She wouldn't come back for the life she left, but she'd come back for more. She'd come back if she thought it was for love, and a family. She'd come back if she knew that was going to happen, because she wanted it so much."
Giles stared at her again. "If that's the case, why couldn't Angel bring her back, she…."
"Oh please, why would she come back for him? Mr I-love-you-but-I-can't-have-sex-with-you-so-let's-be-together-and-make-us-and-everyone-around-us-miserable? Don't be ridiculous." Giles jaw tightened. When Anya spoke to him in that tone of voice it always annoyed him. He took a deep breath letting the sensation pass.
Xander spoke again, "An, again, why Giles? I mean, they weren't ever…." His mouth dropped and he turned his head to look at Giles, "I mean, you weren't, were you?"
Giles shook his head no. Xander relaxed. "So, An? Spill?"
Anya looked at Giles. Despite their ongoing clashing, she had developed a strong affection for him, and wasn't sure how to proceed. She found thoughtfulness akin to walking through a prickly minefield. She sighed. "The two of them belong together, they always have. Giles and Buffy, I mean." She looked at Giles wondering, "I never did understand why you weren't having sex."
Giles looked back at her, astounded. "What…?"
"C'mon Giles, you guys were like butter and toast, pancakes and syrup, meat and potatoes, the earth and the moon." She was still for a moment, looking for more examples.
"Honey, focus please."
She looked at Xander, momentarily annoyed, and frowned. "Fine, my point it that you share that whole destiny thing, neither of you will ever find anyone else. I can see your wife being so okay with you having to dash off to hang with Buffy every time she calls, and Buffy, well, she obviously can't hang on to a man…. any kind of man. You already live for her, everything you do concerns her welfare and well-being. You both already have that 'til death do us part' thing down pat. Who else could she trust to take care of her and her children? Who could possibly do a better job than you? She trusts you more than all of us put together. She relied on you, looked to you." Anya stopped, out of words.
Giles felt momentarily paralyzed. Every eye was on him, once Anya stopped talking. He took his glasses off, pulling out his handkerchief to clean them, needing a focus. His mind was in chaos. He replaced his glasses and looked at the group. "Buffy never expressed or showed any feelings of…. a romantic nature towards me. Why would you think she would want to share those things with me?" The fact that he didn't dispute how he might feel was not lost on the group. No one knew quite how to respond, knowing that Giles never felt comfortable discussing any of his feelings in public, let alone ones like this.
Willow got up, and walked over to him, pulling up a chair to sit right next to him. "Giles? Are you…were you in love with Buffy?" Giles' eyes flickered up to hers, and then back down. He took his glasses off and threw them on the table and covered his face with his hands trying to hide the tears that had formed in his eyes at her question. "Giles, I would never ask this, but I think it's important. We need to understand what the vision means." Her voice was filled with compassion for the man. She was pretty sure she knew what the answer was and her sorrow for the depth of his loss shook her. Giles took his hands away, and looked at Willow, and then at all of them in turn. They were all taken aback at the look in his eyes, at the unshed tears there, and they saw the answer clearly written on his face.
"Yes, I was in love with her. I have been, for a long time. I…" he couldn't say anymore. Unbidden, a sob tore lose. He stood and walked into the back of the shop, needing to pull himself together.
The remainder of the group looked at each other, unshed tears in their own eyes. They all had felt Giles grief, like a whirlpool, and it had affected them all. Xander took a shaky breath. "Well, I didn't think this could suck anymore than it already does, but I guess I was wrong."
Willow, angry, spoke his name sharply. "Xander."
He looked up and saw the anger in her eyes. "No, Will, I don't mean the Buffy and Giles part, I mean the I'm tired of hurting part. I'm way ready for that to be over. I'm actually strangely okay with the Giles and Buffy part. Although it is mostly just a Giles part unless I missed something."
Giles walked back in, feeling more in control. He overheard the last part of Xander's musings. "No, I don't think you missed something, I don't believe that Buffy had those sorts of feelings for me. At least, I never saw them." He looked at Anya. "I understand the gist of your reasoning Anya, and I know those things were important to Buffy, but I don't believe she ever thought to, or would come back from the grave, to share them with me." He smiled briefly. "Maybe the vision was meant to be more generic. Perhaps it was meant as a symbol that she would fall in love and have the opportunity to have children."
Xander shook his head, "Nope, big guy, I don't buy that. Why would Buffy come back for that? She already had the big hope and it didn't bring her any jollies. Are you sure she didn't drop a few lustful hints your way?"
Giles smiled briefly. "The last conversation Buffy and I had, she threatened to kill me." His eyes closed at the painful memory. He hated that their last moments together had been so hostile. He felt so tired, the joy he had felt last night draining away.
They all sat there, slumped back in their chairs. Anya had gotten up to ring up a sale and moved back to the table rolling her eyes at the sight. "You're not giving up already are you? Humans have no stamina."
Xander looked at her. "An, you're human now, remember?"
Anya looked disgruntled at this, "Well, parts of me still feel demon-y."
Tara looked up at Anya, "Anya, did any of your revenge spells ever result in people coming back from the dead?"
Heads lifted at that question, and Anya looked thoughtful for a moment, searching back through her years as a vengeance demon. Her face brightened, "Yes, as a matter of fact, about 300 years ago. A woman wanted to bring back her husband's mother, to punish him. He had cheated on her and…."
Tara bravely interrupted, "Do you remember how that was done? Do you know how you did it.?"
Anya frowned in concentration. The group held their breath watching her, willing her to remember. They could see when the light bulb lit. "It was a restoration spell!"
Willow spoke. "You mean like what I did to get Angel's soul back?"
"Yes," Anya replied, "but with a different focus. That spell put a soul back in a living body. This spell puts a living soul back in a dead body, and in that case her body was available. She had just died and hadn't been buried yet. Buffy's body, well….not so available."
Willow suddenly shot out of her chair and ran up the stairs to the loft. She started pulling books off the shelves in a frenzy. Giles went to the foot of the stairs to watch her. She squealed when she found the book she was looking for and headed back down. When Giles saw what she had his brows furrowed. "Willow, how do you even know I have that book?"
Willow blushed. "I saw it when I was looking for…well, another book I'm not supposed to know you have. I was looking for a spell to use on Glory when she hurt Tara." Giles gestured her back to the table and she started flipping through the pages. When she had arrived at her destination she lifted the book up and handed it to Giles. Giles looked down and started reading the spell.
He spoke "Willow." He closed the book, his finger keeping his place, to look at the cover. "Willow, wasn't one of the many definitions of that symbol from the Celtic tradition?"
Willow started looking through all the pages she had printed off when she had done her search. "Yes, according to the Celtic tradition, that symbol means Anam Cara, or soul mate." She looked at him, the answer sliding into place. "Giles, that's you, you must be Buffy's soul mate. That's what it has to mean. Only a soul mate can do this spell. If it's true, and you really are, Buffy will come back, to you, for you."
Anya knocked on the table, getting everyone's attention. "Don't we still need a body?"
Xander grabbed her hand. "You, with the body thing again. I think that's what we have Dawn for. I mean, they made Dawn out of Buffy, so somehow, we just have to figure out how to make Buffy out of Dawn, simple, right?" He shut up.
"No, Xander, you're right." Giles had opened up the spell book again. "Not the simple part, of course, but Dawn is the key." He looked up and saw them gaping at him. "Sorry, no pun intended." He read some more. "Willow, do you still have the Orb of Thessala you used to restore Angel's soul?"
"Yes, I do, I thought I better keep it, well, you know, just in case." She scowled at the thought of Angelus ever being on the loose again.
"You might want to go get it."
She nodded, then looked at Giles, "Do I need to get anything else?….Giles?"
Giles didn't respond. She smiled, seeing he was deep in research mode. She decided to leave him there, relieved to see the pain momentarily off his face. She knew that hadn't been easy for him. She had a pretty good idea that what was coming wouldn't be easy for him either. She remembered The Host's comments about the possible futures where Giles died. She wondered if he died of a broken heart because Buffy was unable to or chose not to respond to his summons. He would be laying his own soul on the line for this one. She quietly got up and motioned to Tara. Tara got up and moved over to her and Willow took her hand. She needed to feel Tara, needed to feel her presence. The two of them left, hand in hand, to retrieve the orb.
Xander looked at Giles, slowly shaking his head. Buffy and Giles…..man, could two people be asked to suffer more? He didn't get it. Their whole lives had been about saving the world and neither of them could catch a break. He thought about what The Host said about him and Anya. He had said that they were the anchors. What the hell did that mean? Until someone explained it to him, he was going to assume it meant that he was getting-food-guy, and he went over to the phone to order them all some pizza.
Giles looked up from his book looking for Anya. "Anya?" She appeared around the corner. "Would you look at this ingredient list and see if we have everything?"
"Why do I have to do that?"
"Because I am assuming you want to keep your job."
"Oh, well, then let me see that." She walked over and took the book out of his hands. She took it over to the counter, muttering under her breath.
Giles stood up and went back up the stairs, knowing that they still needed a second spell, one that would involve using Dawn. One that wouldn't put her at risk. He sat down Indian style in front of the shelves pulling books off, looking for the right one. He was having a hard time concentrating. His palms were sweaty. He alternated between a sense of ecstasy that if this worked that Buffy could be his, and terror that it wouldn't work, and the universe would simply mock him and his hopes. He wasn't sure he could live with the rejection, not if he put himself out there the way the spell called for. He looked back down at the books in front of him, willing himself to concentrate.
-----
Spike lay in his crypt. He thought about Buffy, thought about the robot, what it had felt like to pretend to be shagging her. He knew that Buffy had been right, that it hadn't been real, but it had felt pretty damn good. He also knew that he'd never have the real thing, and he was actually okay with that. Buffy had been pretty decent to him there at the end, and that meant more to him than, well, anything had ever meant to him. He would have settled for a friendship, with her and with Niblet, even with Giles. He liked Giles, respected him too. Lots of surprises there. More to him than meets the eye. He liked that in a person. After being alive so long most people didn't surprise him at all. But Giles did and so did Buffy. And Dawn, well, she was like a kid sister to him. He sat up, frustrated at the inaction being forced on him by the sunlight outside.
He wondered what the Powers That Be would want from him. He hoped he could do it. He didn't want to die, but he thought he could do it for Buffy. He almost did already, when Glory had kidnapped him to get information about the key. He figured he could do it again. He laughed at himself. How the mighty have fallen. Willing to die for a slayer. He lay down again, impatiently waiting for night to fall. Soon he fell into a restless sleep.
Spike suddenly woke up. He sat up, disoriented, not seeing anything familiar around him. "What the hell…?" He slowly stood up, trying to see through the haze that surrounded him. His mother suddenly appeared out of the mist. "Mum?" Spike couldn't believe his eyes. She'd been dead for 150 years at least. She smiled at him. Spike's nostrils flared as she approached him. She smelled just like he remembered her. Like lemon, and sugar, like all the ingredients she used to cook with. He remembered her most in the kitchen. She had used food as the ultimate healing balm for all wounds. He missed her cooking still. When he had been turned he had felt no desire to go after his family, like Angelus did. He just left. They weren't a part of who he was anymore. He had always been able to choose not to hurt people. He wasn't sure why, but he had never lost the ability to love.
She spoke to him, "William, do you know why I am here?"
He gazed at her, nodding, "I'm guessing this is about the slayer." He knew his real mom was worm food.
She nodded and smiled at his thought. "Worm food, yes, I suppose I am at that. But, enough of me is still here to love you." Spike's eyes filled with tears, he brushed them away, angry at his softness, at his longing for his mother's embrace. She held out her arms to him, and he couldn't resist and ran to her, holding her, crying as she held him. "Oh William, I missed you so much. I never stopped hoping you'd come home."
"I didn't want to hurt you, it seemed safer for you if I just left."
She pushed him back, to see his face, wiping away his tears. He stepped away, embarrassed now at showing this much emotion. He turned away, trying to pull himself together. He was both angry beyond belief and equally grateful to the Powers That Be. He was grateful that he was having a chance to see his mum again and angry that they would have chosen her as the vehicle to use him. He turned back to her, the conflict clear on his face.
She smiled lovingly at him. "Don't be angry at them. This part of you that responds to me, that is the part they need to speak with, the part of you that still burns with love. You are very special, you need to understand that."
He shook his head, "You don't know the things I've done, the things I would still do if I had this sodding chip out of my head."
"I know everything you've done, I've seen what the demon inside you is capable of. I also have seen that you have the ability to choose to do good, to choose to love. I felt your emotions earlier. You love this slayer and her sister and her watcher. You would choose to protect them, be willing to die to protect them. William, I believe that you would choose the same even without the chip."
Spike stood quietly, listening to her words. He listened to his heart. He softly spoke, "Yes, I would, for the three of them, I would choose to protect them."
She smiled at him. She spoke, also in soft tones, "William, the watcher will do a spell, calling the slayer, offering his heart to her. You know the vision that was shown to the watcher as regards this?" Spike nodded, remembering what Xander had told him last night. "She would return for a true love, for a chance to have children. But why would she return if she couldn't have someone to protect her when she is most vulnerable. How could she bring children into the world just to see them hurt? Why would she take a risk like that?" She stopped, wanting him to go the rest of the way himself.
He let her words sink in. He protested, "I would never hurt Buffy, or Giles, or any mini versions of the same." She stood there, not responding, waiting. His eyes widened, "Oh God, you're not going to give me my soul back, are you?" He had visions of becoming a second Angel, all brood and angst. He'd rather be dead.
She laughed softly. "No, souls can be removed. We need something more permanent than that."
He shifted on the balls of his feet. "I don't know what you want from me, I already fight….fought with Buffy. I've already saved their lives a dozen times and become a laughing stock for all the other demons in town. I have been patrolling ever since she died protecting all the worthless lives that I would rather be eating, just to keep Giles happy. What the hell else do you want me to do?" He looked at her, begging for some clarity. She stayed silent. He looked down, kicking the ground with his feet, feeling five years old again. He muttered so softly that he wasn't sure she'd be able to hear it. "Whatever it is, I'll do it." He looked up to see if she had heard, and saw her there, smiling at him, love in her eyes.
"William, this is what is asked of you. We will remove the effects of the chip in your head, as you need to be at full fighting strength. We will bond you to the slayer and her watcher, and you will fight for the powers of good. You will not be allowed to kill for your pleasure, or for food. We will change you enough that real food will sustain you." She paused, looking through his thoughts. "Like those fried onion things you like. You'll still have the demon inside you, and the lust for blood and violence cannot be removed. You must choose to love and to serve, always. But, this bond will make it easier and will make you more able to access that part of you that loves so strongly. This is the sacrifice, William, do you accept?"
He sat down, hard, on the cement floor of the crypt. He reached for a cigarette and lit it. He shook his head, amazed at this detour his life had taken. Two slayers dead by his own hand. He'd always imagined Buffy being the third. He pictured himself over the last decades of his life, the lives he had taken, enjoyed taking, the rush of fresh warm blood going down his throat. He missed that sensation all the time; it was a pulsing pain in his body. He thought of Buffy, how she had kissed him, how she had invited him into her house. He thought of Giles, and Dawn, of the Scoobies. He thought of all the people in Sunnydale. Happy meals on legs he had called them. Mothers and children, sisters, and husbands. He thought of those onion things, God he loved those. He knew a lot of vampires lost their sense of taste but he never had, and he was grateful for that. He snorted and stood. He looked at his mother and spoke, "Yes." She smiled at him, moved forward and embraced him. He returned the embrace, breathing her in, wanting to remember.
He woke suddenly, still lying in his crypt. He sat up, looking around. He looked outside; it was dark. He swept out of the crypt, to find Giles.