Why Should I Care?
by: dword
Rated PG-13
Date: 04/01/03
Disclaimer: Joss and Co. own everything Buffy (not that they seem to know what to do with what they have). Tony Head owns his singing talent. And Cole Porter wrote the music and lyrics to the song "Why Should I Care?".
Dedication: To trishv21 for her inspiring challenge. To Gail for writing all her wonderful epilogues - I now realize how tough a thing it is to do. And to Gileswench and Luisa, you and your inspirational daydreams were greatly appreciated. ;-)
Special thanks to my wonderful betas... you definitely made this a better story.
Summary: This songfic begins where "Lies My Parent Told Me" left off, and is in answer to trishv21's aftermath fic challenge, which is as follows:
-----
Giles is depressed, he goes to the 'Espresso Pump' (yay!) and sings (some depressing song), the Scoobies (the CORE Scoobies show up and wonder why he looks so sad (they obviously don't know what happened (keep them in the dark). Buffy shows up, looking horrible (like she's been crying or whatever, 'cause she feels bad for what she did (shame on her!) and she sees Giles singing. (They don't notice the Scoobies are there, so they start talking. (with comments from the Scoobies wondering what's going on)
Can someone write this? I need a good fic after this episode. :) And smoochies! And a staking of Spike wouldn't hurt.
-----
Although I fudge on a few of the details, and sorry no Spike slayage, I hope it fits the bill.
Love, Donna
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"Buffy!" Giles struggled to find the right words. "I... I understand your anger. Please believe me, we... we did what we..."
"He's alive," she whispered, then more strongly she said, "Spike's alive. Wood failed."
"That doesn't change anything. What I told you is still true." He needed to make her understand. "You need to learn..."
"No, I think you've taught me everything I need to know," Buffy said with ice in her eyes as she quietly, but firmly, closed the door in Giles' face.
From his place in the shadows, Xander witnessed this exchange. Giles stood staring at the door for several long moments. Xander watched as, finally, defeat settled over Giles. He watched as Giles turned, head down, shoulders slumped, and made his way downstairs. Xander remained frozen until he heard the soft click of the latch as Giles left the house.
"Oh boy," he mumbled. With a last glance at the closed door, he too went downstairs.
*****
A few hours later, Buffy slowly came down the stairs. It was just a few hours before sunrise, and the house was silent. She turned toward the kitchen in hopes of finding some aspirin for her headache. She passed the door that led to the basement and hesitated. She was trying to decide on whether or not to go check on Spike one more time, when a voice from the darkened living room reached her.
"Yes, by all means, go check on your chipless, soulful vampire. Nevermind that everything else is turning to shit, as long as he's all right," said Xander with a bitterness that surprised her.
"What?" Buffy asked as she came into the room. Xander sat on the couch, shrouded in hopelessness and anger. Confused, she asked, "What are you doing sitting in the dark. Why aren't you in bed?"
"I've been sitting here wondering what the hell is going on, and what the hell will happen to us." He glared at Buffy. "What do you care anyway? I'm... we all are expendable. Right?"
"What? What are you talking about?"
"Come on, Buff. Pay attention. I have, and I'm really not liking the way things are going. I don't like what I see. I don't like what I hear. And most importantly I don't like what's happening."
"What *is* happening, Xander," Buffy said snidely, "Is that we are at war with the First. We are fighting to save the existence of Slayers and to keep evil from taking control of everything. Remember?"
"Yes, I do. I remember a lot of things. I remember a girl who regretted every life lost, every life she couldn't save. I remember a girl who loved her friends and family with her whole heart. I remember a girl who fought evil to protect them, to give them a chance at a happy life. I remember a girl who was alive and bright and who found joy where she could and whose smile was more brilliant than the sun. I remember a girl, who sent the man she loved to hell to protect the world and gave her life to protect her sister."
It was like a dam had burst. His words came out fast and furious, after hours of frustration and anger. "I remember a Watcher who would have gone into sure death instead of sending a sixteen year old girl to hers. I remember a man who was more of a father to me than my own. I remember a man who killed Ben so you wouldn't have to. I remember a man who withstood hours of unspeakable torture at the hands of Angelus rather than betray his slayer. I remember a Watcher who gave up his life's calling instead of allowing his slayer to face the Cruciamentuum alone. I remember a man who came back expecting to die to save us from Evil Willow. Yes I remember... I'm wondering if *you* do."
"How dare you!" she hissed. "Who are you, that you think you can talk to me like this? What do you know about anything?"
"Who am I? I'm the one who got your sister upstairs and bandaged after your personal absolution project, *Spike*, bounced her around. I'm the one who has been watching your back and fighting by your side for over six years. I'm the one who has always believed in you. I've doubted myself, but never you. I may have made some stupid choices, but I am the only original team member who hasn't taken a walk on the dark side." Xander took a deep breath and then continued, " I am also the one who has heard you tell us that it is the fight that is important. We are all expendable, we don't have room for sentiment, and we have to get used to the idea that some of us may die."
He got up off the couch and moved close to Buffy. He glared at her in anger. "Now I'm the one with questions. What makes Spike so special? When did his undead carcass become more important than the living? More important than your family and friends? What is he to you that even Dawn -- you know, the sister you died for -- is merely an afterthought?"
"He is our strongest warrior!" she growled. "I need him to fight the First!"
"Physically, maybe," he countered. "But you said yourself that we can't win this fight on that field. We're outgunned and out-manned. It will only be by working together, using all of our strengths, that we can even hope to succeed. You said that we'll all have to be willing to die for this fight, that we need to be willing to give it our all for no other reason than it's the right thing to do. Why is he here? Not because it's right. Why do you put up with him, let him stay? He's a demon. He's killed hundreds, probably thousands. He tried to break us up for Adam. Jesus, Buffy! He tried to rape you!"
"He's different now!" she cried.
"How?" He came right back at her. "He's still obsessed with you, he's not one of the good guys. He's not in this because it's the right thing. It's still all about him wanting to get you! Don't think for a moment that any one but you can count on him. We have no illusions that he will stand by us."
"He has a soul now!" Buffy justified. "He *is* different from before. You don't understand!"
Xander shoved his hands in his pockets in frustration. "You're right, I don't understand. I don't understand why you felt it was necessary to drive away the one man who has loved you unconditionally. The one man who has never wanted anything from you for himself. Do you really think that we have a chance in hell without Giles? What did he do that was bad enough for you to forget the last seven years? Explain it to me. And while you're at it explain to me how the rest of us got to be so unimportant to you. What did we do, or didn't do? What are we fighting for? Why should we bother? Why should we care?" That said, Xander turned and went upstairs.
Buffy stood there for a few moments staring at the spot where Xander had been. Then she ran up to her room and slammed her door.
*****
The next day was very quiet, but the Scoobies, Potentials, and Andrew found no respite in the quiet. No one could ignore the gloominess that hung over the house. Over breakfast, Willow, Dawn, and Anya had their heads together trying to make some sense out of what was going on.
"It's just so weird, you know?" Dawn mumbled around a mouthful of cereal. "For the first time in, like, forever, nothing is happening. We should all be relaxing and recharging, happy for the break... But noooo! Buffy is, like, Grumpy Mopey Head, Xander stomped off somewhere really early, and Giles is nowhere around. I want to know what going on!"
Willow and Anya ducked the milk splatters that flew off of Dawn's spoon as she swung it around in agitation. Anya removed the spoon from her hand and Willow began to mop up the milk.
"Dawnie, I'm sure that it's not as bad as you think. Buffy is just finding it hard to relax, when she knows what is coming... the fight we'll have to face. Xander probably went to work or something. And Giles is probably out trying to find a new PST. Now just rela..."
"I think Dawn is right," Anya piped in. "Buffy looked like she'd been crying, on top of being really cranky. Xander's not at work; his car is still parked out front." She picked up her toast, took a bite and resumed. "All of Giles stuff is here, even his overnight bag. What's really strange is that he left last night and hasn't been back."
"What?!?" Willow asked. She and Dawn were both staring at Anya. "How do you know this? Where did he go?"
"And do you know what Xander's deal is?" asked Dawn.
Anya was delighted to be the center of attention, so despite the fact that her information was not happy, she beamed. "Well I heard them talking late last night, then a bedroom door being closed, and then the front door. I looked out and saw Giles walking down the street." She paused a moment to think. "A couple of hours later I heard Xander and Buffy talking, well more like arguing... Yes, I think they were arguing. Xander was gruff and loud, and Buffy was sort of yelling. Then he stomped upstairs and then she went into her room and slammed the door."
"Whoa, that is so not good," groaned Dawn. "Buffy was crying? When?"
"Yeah, I saw her this morning and I didn't see that," said Willow.
"Well I bumped into her by the bathroom about an hour before anyone else was up. She had definitely been crying. Her eyes were all red and puffy." Just as the other two were about to interrupt, Anya held up her hand and then continued. "When I asked her what was wrong she all but bit my head off and growled, 'Nothing.' I thought it was a good idea not to push."
"It probably was. Buffy can get pretty cranky. And you can only get her to talk when she's ready." Dawn smiled at the ex-demon. She then looked at Willow. "What are we going to do?"
Willow reached over and smoothed her hair "Don't worry sweetie, we'll figure this out. For now, here is the plan: Anya, you and Dawn keep an eye on the Potentials. While you two keep them busy and out of trouble, I'll try to get hold of Xander and find Giles."
*****
Buffy spent the day avoiding the others, she was not in any mood to answer questions or deal with what was going on. She ran routine errands all day to stay away from the house; not that being alone with her thoughts was any better. With the events of the previous evening running through her head, it pretty much sucked. Even now, as the sun was setting, everything that happened the night before replayed in her mind. Over and over she saw the patrol with Giles, her mad rush to *save* Spike, her talk with Robin that ended with a threat, her discussion with Giles that ended so badly, and her confrontation with Xander. She had spent the night crying her eyes out after realizing just what she had done.
How could she have said those things to Giles? Yes she had had a right to be angry... but in typical Buffy fashion, instead of talking it out, she had completely closed him out and gone into total bitch mode. And Xander... had she finally messed up so bad that even he couldn't get past it? What was she doing? Pushing away the people she loved when she needed them the most was pretty stupid.
It was still too early to patrol, so she decided to stop and get a cup of coffee. Coffee always helped her to think. Since she didn't get any sleep last night the caffeine would be a plus.
*****
Willow had called Xander on his cell and beeped him many times during the day. Boy, was he going to get it when she finally tracked him down! With her 'resolve face' firmly in place, she dialed his mobile number one more time. After three rings, he picked up.
"Hello?"
"Xander! What have you been doing? I've been trying to get you all day!" Willow scolded. "What's the use of you having a cellphone if you don't answer the thing? You need to come home right away! Stuff is happening. I need to talk to you and get some answers. I'm really wigg..."
"Calm down Willow," he said as he cut into her tirade. "I'll be home in a little while, about ten minutes. Meet me outside and we'll go somewhere and talk. We don't need all the others around when we do."
*****
When Xander got to the house he found Willow, Anya, and Dawn outside waiting for him. They were all leaning on his car, looking at him expectantly. Not knowing what kind of reception he was going to receive, he approached cautiously.
Dawn popped up and ran up to him. "We've all been wigging here. I'm so glad you're back. Things are way weird. Kennedy and Spike are going to sit with the PST's while we talk."
"Sounds like a plan. Hop in the car and we'll head over to the Pump. I feel the need for some pastry and hot cocoa."
Anya started to climb into the car. As she did she said, "Xander is immediately going for the comfort of sugar and chocolate... This can't be good."
*****
The sun had long since risen when Giles emerged from his trance-like state. It was actually well past noon before he really became aware of his surroundings. He found himself on a park bench near the center of town. How he came to be there, or for how long was a mystery. He remembered leaving Buffy's house after she had closed the door on him. Then he recalled checking on Principal Wood. After that he just vaguely remembered wandering around, hopeless and lost. It was fortunate that the First hadn't made a try for him last night. He had been in no shape to defend himself. He wasn't even sure that he would have wanted to. With a sigh, he looked at his watch and decided that he needed to move on.
He walked past the boarded-up remains of his once-prosperous business and then rounded the corner. Ahead and across the street was where Joyce's Gallery had once been located. Directly in front of him was the gourmet shop where he bought his tea and biscuits, as well as other items he found difficult to obtain in California. Next door was a small diner where he had enjoyed many a lunch. He passed the bakery that had the best jelly donuts in Sunnydale. As he walked down the street he returned the greetings of several local shopkeepers, but avoided stopping to talk with any of them. He had too much on his mind to even attempt polite conversation. He kept walking until he found himself in front of the 'Espresso Pump'. He decided that perhaps a pot of tea would help to clear his head and help him to figure out what he should do next.
*****
When Giles entered the 'Espresso Pump', the owner, Sam Rockman, immediately came over to greet him. Giles put on a smile and shook hands with Sam.
"Long time, no see, Rupert! It has been much too long since you last graced us with your presence and your singing." Sam looked closely at his friend as he led him to a vacant table. He gave a signal to a waitress, and a pot of Giles' favorite tea, two cups, and a plate of shortbread were brought over. "Now just so you know, my friend, it wasn't just the business you used to bring in that I missed, but also your company."
"Thank you, Sam," replied Giles with a sad smile. "I must admit that I did miss this place when I returned to England. And I'm sorry I didn't get to stop by the last time I was here for a visit."
"Ok, spill it! What's wrong?" Sam demanded. "There is something really bothering you, Rupert. Can I help?"
"I have a lot on my mind, Sam. I have some very serious issues to deal with and decisions to make."
"Then you should sing."
"I beg your pardon?"
"Rupert, how many times did you come in here when you were troubled, tinker around with a song or two and then leave feeling better? To me, it seemed like singing gave you focus, helped you put things in perspective. What started out as a kind of therapy ended up being a weekly gig." Sam smiled at the memory. "I think you should sing, not just because I've missed hearing you, but if ever a man looked like he needed perspective, it's you."
"Impossible," Giles began. "I don't have my guitar, it's been ages since I performed in public..."
"So use my piano, JoJo and Tony would love to accompany you on the drums and sax," countered Sam. "And it's not about performing in public, it's about you singing. Besides, it's like riding a bike..."
Giles chuckled. "Okay, okay. I concede. I'll sing. I think you might be right. I'll just go talk to Tony about song choice. But don't expect much."
Sam beamed, anticipating the coming treat. Maybe it would help Rupert, too. At least he hoped so. But he didn't think he could help ease that deep-down sadness that he saw in his friend's eyes.
*****
Willow, Anya, Dawn, and Xander took a back booth when they got to the 'Espresso Pump'. It would be easier to talk if they didn't have to worry about being overheard. They quickly ordered their hot cocoa and choice of pastries, but decided to wait until they had been served before getting into the reason they were there.
After they had all received their snacks, Willow decided to get right to business. "Xander, what happened last night? Anya said Giles left and never came home. Then you and Buffy had a fight. Are the two related?"
"Will, I don't think it's my place to discuss the specifics... It really is between Buffy and Giles, at least for now. What I can say is that they are having some serious disagreements right now..."
"Oh, and let me guess," Anya interrupted. "Buffy is in her 'my way or the highway' mood. She's scorned him... again."
"She's been different for this apocalypse," added Dawn. "I think she's really stressed out. She's acting harder... trying to be tough. It's kinda scary."
"She's scared, Dawn," Willow reached over and patted Dawn's hand. "And she's tired. She hasn't been sleeping much since this whole thing started..."
"And she's really not connected with Giles," Xander said. "She hasn't been for a long time. I really think it's affecting her."
"Speaking of Giles, isn't that him by the piano?" Willow asked. "Thank goodness! He's okay. Well at least I think he's okay... well he's not missing anymore. That has to be a good thing."
"I think he's going to sing!" Anya said. "I hope he sings."
"Cool!" cried Dawn. "I've never heard him sing in public. Just the soft humming he'd do when I had nightmares after Glory..."
Anya looked sternly at the others. Then she gave a small bounce. "Shh! Giles is starting his song!"
*****
Buffy walked into the 'Espresso Pump' and stood quietly near the door. She was looking for a place to sit just as the music started. She recognized the intro from one of the old movies she used to watch with her mom. [Hmmm, Cole Porter. Nice] Then she heard the singer begin...
Was there something more I could have done?
Or was I not meant to be the one?
Where's the life I thought we would share?
And should I care?
[Oh my God, it's Giles!] Buffy moved closer and tried to get a better view of him. When she finally got near the stage she saw him sitting at the piano. He had his eyes closed and she could see that he was singing from his heart. She began to concentrate on the words as she watched the Watcher.
And will someone else get more of you?
Will he go to sleep more sure of you?
Will he wake up knowing you're still there?
And why should I care?
She didn't know it but tears had started to flow down her face as she listened.
*****
Dawn nudged Willow and pointed out that her sister had arrived.
"What's she doing here?" Anya said. she made a move to signal Buffy, but Xander caught her hand and shook his head. "No," he said. "Let's stay out of this."
Dawn and Willow nodded. They sat back to watch.
"She looks so sad," Willow whispered.
Dawn leaned over and whispered to Xander, "Listen to the words, Xander. Do you hear how hurt he is?" she asked with a quiver in her voice.
Xander reached around and hugged Dawn close. "Yeah, kiddo, I do. But more importantly, so does your sister."
"Aww," Willow grabbed Dawn's hand. "She's crying. He doesn't realize she's here yet."
"Good!" said Anya, blunt as ever. "Maybe he'll really pour his heart out and tell her how mean she has been to him. Now shush, I want to hear Giles."
"Oh, look!" Dawn leaned into Xander. "She is getting it."
*****
Buffy now stood right in Giles' line of sight, and when he opened his eyes he saw her. Their eyes locked as he continued to sing.
There's always one to turn and walk away
And one who just wants to stay
But who said that love is always fair?
And why should I care?
As the sax player Tony picked up his solo, Giles noticed that Buffy was crying. He motioned her over and she sat next to him. He handed her his handkerchief and then resumed singing. But now he was looking down into her eyes as he did.
Should I leave you alone here in the dark?
Holding my broken heart
While a promise still hangs in the air
Why should I care?
Buffy looked up and was shocked to see unshed tears in his eyes. But what shocked her even more were the depth and the strength of the love she saw in his eyes. How could he possibly love her after everything she'd done and the things she'd failed to do? She had to make this right. And she had to do it right away.
Should I leave you alone here in the dark?
Holding my broken heart
While a promise still hangs in the air
Why should I care?
As soon as the last chord faded, Buffy launched herself at Giles, and then buried her face in his chest. Unable to do anything else, he rubbed her back and stroked her hair in an attempt to console her, as she sobbed in his arms.
"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" she cried as she wrapped her arms tightly around his waist. "Don't leave me. I didn't mean it!"
Even though it tore him up to hear such misery from her, he also felt a surge of hope rush through him to hear Buffy actually feeling regret for what had passed between them the night before. He pulled back and made her look up.
"Buffy, obviously we have a lot we need to talk about, why don't we move to a table so we can have some privacy?"
"Ok," she agreed with a watery sniffle.
He helped her up, took her hand, and guided her toward a table.
*****
"There, Dawnie," Willow said with a hiccuppy cross between a sob and a laugh. "There he goes with the ever-present handkerchief."
"Ok," Xander said with some satisfaction. "They're going to sit down and talk. I was so worried that they would do what they always do..."
"I know!" blurted Dawn. "They get all emotion-y, then they get control, never talk it out, and start repressing again. It's like they just step over the emotional badness that's blocking their way instead of dealing with it."
At the shocked looks on the others' faces, Dawn said indignantly, "Hey, I'm not the oblivious Summers! And I love them both and I'm growing up!" The pout that accompanied this statement reduced its impact.
*****
Giles guided Buffy over to his table. Sam had just left a new pot of tea with two mugs.
*****
"What do you think they're saying?" asked Anya. "Can we go closer?"
"No, Ahn," Xander said sternly. "They need to work this out without interference and with at least a little privacy."
"But how will we know if they work it out?"
Willow and Xander smiled at each other, then Xander answered, "We'll know."
*****
Giles took his time pouring for both of them, while Buffy used the time to mop her face and get herself under control. He had just finished adding sugar and lemon to Buffy's tea; her sniffles had subsided to little hiccups. She reached out, picked up the mug and took a sip. It seemed to calm her even more.
With a small smile Giles commented, "Perhaps I have made some small impact on you. You now seem to appreciate the restorative properties of a good cup of tea."
She nodded to acknowledge what he said, then after a deep breath began, "I am sorry, Giles. I was so mean. I didn't mean what I said. I was just so mad and I said those mean, hateful, terrible things. So terrible that they couldn't be taken back. I guess I'm more like my mom than I thought."
"I knew you didn't really mean what you said. But your words did hurt. They hurt quite a bit. I'm sorry, too. Ordinarily I would not have worked behind your back but we weren't communicating anymore, Buffy. The way you've been acting lately... giving orders, going off on your own, laying down the law, if you will. It's as if you decided that we don't matter in this fight. Always before, we were a team, we worked together, but you wouldn't even talk to us. It seemed like all you cared about was Spike, and all I could see was a distraction and a liability."
"It's just that this time I'm so scared. Giles, the First really is too much for me. So many have already died. I may not have liked the Council much, but I never wished them dead. And now they are, and just because they were associated with me. And now children are dying. I don't know what to do."
"You could talk to us, Buffy. Let us help. Don't push us away. We have always stood by you, let us do so now."
"But don't you see? At least Spike is sorta invulnerable. He doesn't break easily."
"But he *is* unreliable. He is still a demon, how can we count on him?"
"He has a soul now. He got it for me and it makes him different."
"He is still a manipulative, obsessive bastard. Think, Buffy, really think about it. He is still a demon. He is not good."
"But with his soul he could be." Buffy started to tear up again.
Giles then asked the question he dreaded the answer to. "Do you love him?"
"No!" she cried as she reached out for his hand. "Oh, no, Giles. I feel responsible for him. He got his soul back for me. And getting it back almost broke him."
"Buffy, he made his own decision. He knew he had gone too far when he attacked you. He didn't get his soul back because he wanted to be a good man. He did it to get you back. With or without that blasted soul, he is not good. And you know it. He threatened to kill Robin, and he meant it."
"Yeah, I'm getting that. But how will we fight the First without him?"
"I've been thinking about that, and I believe we may have been going about it all wrong. It's not all about brute strength. We keep calling it the First, but what we are fighting is the First Evil. Perhaps our best weapon against it should be GOOD. It should be the good things we are fighting for... the strongest of which is LOVE. Your love for your sister. The love you have for your friends and that they have for you," he paused to take a deep breath. "That's what we should be using against the First. Even my love for you..."
"And my love for you?" she asked in a small voice.
Unsure of what she really meant, he looked deep into her eyes. What he found there filled his heart and gave him the hope and direction he thought he had lost. It was not the love of a child for a parent. It was more than the love of a dear friend. It was the love of a woman for a man. With the first real smile he'd had in a long time on his face, he cupped her cheek with his hand and used his thumb to wipe the last traces of tears that were there.
"Most especially that love, my dear." Then they moved toward each other and shared their first kiss. It was brief and it was chaste. To the uninformed it was passionless. But they would be wrong. With that kiss Buffy and Giles both let down their emotional barriers. With that kiss they acknowledged that neither was alone anymore, they had found their other half. With that kiss they began believing in the future again. It was a kiss that held hope, peace, and love.
*****
All three women at the table released the breath they had been holding with a sigh. Xander hugged Dawn, rolled his eyes at Willow and Anya, and with a small chuckle said, "I told you we would know. Let's go home."
END